Pre Match
The team has dropped, as have jaws all over the world.
Big Si the Mig is captain. I’m not a million miles away from going for a nice big walk and adding my season ticket to the river of flames. I genuinely, honest to the good lord on high, couldn’t think of a less likely candidate for captain if I tried. Does this mean that the manager thinks Mig is one of the senior professionals in the dressing room? Is he one of his consiglieres?
Here is me hoping for some kind of behind the scenes conspiracy for him not being our goalie come Christmas and then he is getting named captain. They will be waiting a long fucking time when the ref tosses the coin for the Mig to say heads or tails, the fucking silent sheep. Bed in for this game kicking off about nine bells.
I suppose it is possible that Jürgen has had some kind of episode and has taken his marbles and buried them at sea. That said, pre-match Klopp rating is the mark Miggy would honestly get on champ for communication. For clarity’s sake it is less than fucking four and that is out of 20.
Listen to our post-match reaction show, LIVE from the Speakeasy Bar in Belfast
Full Time
Jürgen Klopp: 8
Picked a load of lads who won 4-1. Knows more about footie than you or me, that’s why he does this shit for a living.
Simon Mignolet: 7
Genuinely flabbergasted that he was captain. Probably the most surprised I have been since I woke up to find I had shit myself in an eight-bed dorm in Australia. As a great man once said: “It will make his brain act differently. It’s not fair on him the stupid cunt.”
That said the old glued-to-the-line act was still there when they hit the post early doors. Maybe it won’t change him.
Second half, come out for a cross that was hung up, shouted “captain’s”, and claimed it like a boss. Cop for that, you doubting twats.
Joe Gomez: 7
Good foul early doors. Probably the only one who tries to organise. A proper defender. Poor for their goal, mind. Too easy. A blip in an otherwise great performance.
Joel Matip: 8
Kicked that little Manc pea-headed cheat early doors which was sound. For a fella who has more chances from corners than anyone else in Europe but with the end product of an onion, he showed composure beyond his years for his goal. Deft. Won loads of boss headers from their corners, which is pretty much what you want your defenders to do.
Ragu Klavan: 7
Started the game with a new innovative defensive tactic of avoiding the ball at all costs which brought mixed results.
Did alright.
Albie Moreno: 7
Aggressive in the tackle, strong in the press. Sensible in the head. Believe he has sold his hover board, and just takes his dog for a walk now, with his feet.
Emre Can: 7
Carried some water for the lads — these lads needed someone to carry their water. Was nice to see two defensive midfielders. Balance, baby.
De de de de de de Gini Wijnaldum: 7
See above. Every now and again the best centre-mid performances are the ones where nothing happens except a bit of the old facilitating everyone else. Loving the new responsible Reds.
Alex Oxlade-Chambo: 7
Part of a front four which ran the legs off them first half. Scores a goal, which is always nice. A good outlet, a good option and more importantly a good lad. Well in.
Mo Salah: 9
Faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive. He is probably better than John Barnes. What a signing. Break into that new chamber they have found in the Great Pyramid of Giza and there will be a massive picture of Mo Salah on the wall with Hieroglyphics underneath saying: “He is gunna be fucking boss lad, I’m telling yer”. Inverted Rush ’86 for his second.
Sadio Mane: 8
Nearly as fast as Salah, which takes some doing, because he is faster than a speeding bullet, lad. Marvellous for the first. Plonked it on a plate for Mo Mo. Maybe Klopp made Miggy the blag armband captain because Mane has captain written through his bones like Blackpool rock. Boss.
Bob Firmino: 8
Grafted. Popped up all over first half in a very fluid formation. Sublime for the Chambo goal. What a turn, what a ball, what a time to do that turn and play that ball. Match-winning intervention all told.
SUBS
James Milner
I imagine Milner smells nice when he takes to the pitch. Strong Lynx game. Probably still smelt nice on 90. Made some peculiar choices around their box when the game was won.
Degsy Lovren
Getting stripped on 85 and I’m flapping about the time left. Won a boss header. Has got his own clothesline. Make of that what you will.
Dom Solanke
Needs a goal. Is boss, though.
Additional observations
Joe Hart’s Hair: 3
Struggling like fuck. Whispy. No wonder Head and Shoulders jibbed him. No fucker wants their shampoo brand associated with male pattern baldness.
The Boozer: 3
Absolutely jam packed full of two gangs of wools. One was a big fat gang of wools. Who in the end were minding there own business. The other a bad gang of mings who sounded like they were extras on Holyoaks.
No one likes a good game for the neutrals except the neutrals and all you neutrals can fuck the fuck off.
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Pics: David Rawcliffe-Propaganda Photo
Gomez and Ming were rubbish,the rest you got about right
Spot on. Gomez totally lost it for 10 or 15 mins after they scored and could have cost us a West Ham equaliser if Lanzini had have been any good. As for Mignolet, for someone who is supposed to be quite bright, he’s totally fucking brainless when it comes to football. Instead of calming things down and wasting as much time as possible when we were wobbling a bit after their goal, he does his usual trick of trying to release one of our players quickly with a hospital pass which just gives possession straight back to them. Garbage for the Lanzini lob over him as well – a 4 at most. Surely a cheeky bid in January for that young lad Pope at Burnley would be worth a punt. He’s got the build and athleticism of a De Gea and looks a great prospect – can’t be worse than the three we’ve got at the moment.
Sorry, meant to say Lanzini could have made it 3-2 – cue Reds collapse!
That bit about Hart’s hair killed me.
Funny as fuck. Ming was shite though – I’d give him a generous 5. Could have cost us a goal with some divvy out of his box nonsense. Kloppo loses a point for making him captain – wtf!
Apart from about 30 seconds I thought Bobby was terrible.
Did you spend the remaining 89.5 minutes asleep?
Lads worked very hard to win the right to play and all the midfield and front lads ran more shuttles than Heathrow Express: just kept hearing Macca and whojah saying its easy for tgem and Wham were not trying. Tassles.
WTRWWAW
I want to see “No one likes a good game for the neutrals except the neutrals and all you neutrals can fuck the fuck off” on a banner at Sevilla away.
Mo Salah. It’s lovely signing elite footballers. Imagine if it was a newly signed striker putting these numbers up. The boy’s sensational.
Well it would be less impressive wouldn’t it, if he’d only been signed to score goals? Don’t get that line of thought at all.
I saw Mig talk today. He looked like he was trying to be a captain at least. Dreadful for their ‘chance’ that hit the post.
Not less impressive by any means, but there’s been a lot of talk about needing a 30 goal a season striker. We seem to already have a 30 goal a season winger.
Omg!! This article made me spit up my pancreas laughing! You sir have a gift.
with £100 K thought Lovren could afford a tumble dryer, but clothes are fresher hung out to dry, bit like West Ham, dropped a bit deeper when Carroll game on, caused a few probs, then pushed up squeezed the space and West Ham had no answer. 1-4 is flattering to them.
Get benjani on more shows absolutely crackers. Love it.
Brilliant. Sitting in a bar in North Carolina. Needed this.
Best combination of funny and intelligent stuff since Bill Brynson. (And John Oliver)
Alright until the crap about wools and mings. Liverpool brexit shite.
How the hell does Migs get a 7? Did you have a sneezing fit every time the ball came to him? We might have won 1-4 but not through him trying his best to blow the match for us. He was his usual nightmarish self, doing all manner of bizare shit instead of just doing his job. I’d rate him lower than Hart’s hair. Other than that, rest I agree with.
Salah with 12 in 17. Not bad for someone who misses 6 out of every 7 sitters.
Things could be a lot worse. We could have moyes as manager
Go home, Ben; you’re drunk.
no pleasing some people.
Salah has got off to a flyer but long way to go before he compared to Barnes.
Hart’s expression after each of our goals was really terrible – especially after the third. He sat there for a long while as if they whistle has been blown.
Disagree about John Barnes but you are spot on about neutrals. They should make their mind up .
I remember Suarez missing a shit load of chances first couple of seasons. I removed thinking” he gets into great positions through his hard work, if only he could finish like Fowler. The following season he’s one of the best finishers we’ve ever seen. Salah could turn into that.
Same wools that pay a subscription to the Anfield Wrap do you reckon?
Precisely!!
Great until the wools comment Ben Johnson!! Guess I should stop paying my subscription to the anfield wrap then, or would that not allow you to travel to that games that I’d love to go to but can’t becuase I have a mortgage and bills and have no chance of ever getting a season ticket!! You boyz make me laugh. You talk about wools, then say well done to the the fans in malaysia and the USA!! You can’t have you cake and eat it!! Maybe you boyz should help educate us “WOOLS” and stop having a go at us!!!