The team has dropped, as have jaws all over the world.
Big Si the Mig is captain. I’m not a million miles away from going for a nice big walk and adding my season ticket to the river of flames. I genuinely, honest to the good lord on high, couldn’t think of a less likely candidate for captain if I tried. Does this mean that the manager thinks Mig is one of the senior professionals in the dressing room? Is he one of his consiglieres?
Here is me hoping for some kind of behind the scenes conspiracy for him not being our goalie come Christmas and then he is getting named captain. They will be waiting a long fucking time when the ref tosses the coin for the Mig to say heads or tails, the fucking silent sheep. Bed in for this game kicking off about nine bells.
I suppose it is possible that Jürgen has had some kind of episode and has taken his marbles and buried them at sea. That said, pre-match Klopp rating is the mark Miggy would honestly get on champ for communication. For clarity’s sake it is less than fucking four and that is out of 20.
Jürgen Klopp: 8
Picked a load of lads who won 4-1. Knows more about footie than you or me, that’s why he does this shit for a living.
Simon Mignolet: 7
Genuinely flabbergasted that he was captain. Probably the most surprised I have been since I woke up to find I had shit myself in an eight-bed dorm in Australia. As a great man once said: “It will make his brain act differently. It’s not fair on him the stupid cunt.”
That said the old glued-to-the-line act was still there when they hit the post early doors. Maybe it won’t change him.
Second half, come out for a cross that was hung up, shouted “captain’s”, and claimed it like a boss. Cop for that, you doubting twats.
Joe Gomez: 7
Good foul early doors. Probably the only one who tries to organise. A proper defender. Poor for their goal, mind. Too easy. A blip in an otherwise great performance.
Joel Matip: 8
Kicked that little Manc pea-headed cheat early doors which was sound. For a fella who has more chances from corners than anyone else in Europe but with the end product of an onion, he showed composure beyond his years for his goal. Deft. Won loads of boss headers from their corners, which is pretty much what you want your defenders to do.
Ragu Klavan: 7
Started the game with a new innovative defensive tactic of avoiding the ball at all costs which brought mixed results.
Albie Moreno: 7
Aggressive in the tackle, strong in the press. Sensible in the head. Believe he has sold his hover board, and just takes his dog for a walk now, with his feet.
Emre Can: 7
Carried some water for the lads — these lads needed someone to carry their water. Was nice to see two defensive midfielders. Balance, baby.
De de de de de de Gini Wijnaldum: 7
See above. Every now and again the best centre-mid performances are the ones where nothing happens except a bit of the old facilitating everyone else. Loving the new responsible Reds.
Alex Oxlade-Chambo: 7
Part of a front four which ran the legs off them first half. Scores a goal, which is always nice. A good outlet, a good option and more importantly a good lad. Well in.
Mo Salah: 9
Faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive. He is probably better than John Barnes. What a signing. Break into that new chamber they have found in the Great Pyramid of Giza and there will be a massive picture of Mo Salah on the wall with Hieroglyphics underneath saying: “He is gunna be fucking boss lad, I’m telling yer”. Inverted Rush ’86 for his second.
Sadio Mane: 8
Nearly as fast as Salah, which takes some doing, because he is faster than a speeding bullet, lad. Marvellous for the first. Plonked it on a plate for Mo Mo. Maybe Klopp made Miggy the blag armband captain because Mane has captain written through his bones like Blackpool rock. Boss.
Bob Firmino: 8
Grafted. Popped up all over first half in a very fluid formation. Sublime for the Chambo goal. What a turn, what a ball, what a time to do that turn and play that ball. Match-winning intervention all told.
I imagine Milner smells nice when he takes to the pitch. Strong Lynx game. Probably still smelt nice on 90. Made some peculiar choices around their box when the game was won.
Getting stripped on 85 and I’m flapping about the time left. Won a boss header. Has got his own clothesline. Make of that what you will.
Needs a goal. Is boss, though.
Joe Hart’s Hair: 3
Struggling like fuck. Whispy. No wonder Head and Shoulders jibbed him. No fucker wants their shampoo brand associated with male pattern baldness.
The Boozer: 3
Absolutely jam packed full of two gangs of wools. One was a big fat gang of wools. Who in the end were minding there own business. The other a bad gang of mings who sounded like they were extras on Holyoaks.
No one likes a good game for the neutrals except the neutrals and all you neutrals can fuck the fuck off.