I’ve got loads of thoughts on Southampton v Liverpool but here are five that don’t involve me setting fire to myself.
1) Southampton is so far away it’s basically in the sea.
Someone told me my remit here is to convey the match-going experience for those people, in this case, lucky enough not to go.
Well by the time I get to Southampton I feel like Frodo when he arrives at that big mountain to drop his ring off — except I’ve had a 45-minute break at a Moto service station for our coach driver’s legally=entitled break, and there weren’t any walking trees or Orcs to contend with. Other than that it’s exactly the same.
Oh, and there wasn’t that bit at the end where you think it’s all over but everyone keeps getting married.
2) I got to my seat and there was a father and son next to me.
That’s nice I thought, you don’t often see that.
Then I noticed that the kid’s feet were bigger than his dad’s and and it wrecked my head for about 20 minutes
How does that even happen? Having a kid with bigger feet than you?
I’m not sure I could cope with that to be honest.
3) Thankfully, Philippe Coutinho and Daniel Sturridge took my mind off the kid’s feet by scoring two goals.
The game looked over at that point and I started having a Twitter conversation with Ian Rankin and Bobby from The Bluebells about what was the best Who album out of Live at Leeds and Live at Hull.
That’s how relaxed and distracted I was. It’s also why Opta never get in touch asking me whether I want a job.
And then we brought Martin Skrtel on.
4) I don’t want to blame everything on Martin Skrtel.
On second thoughts, I do.
Obviously we lacked energy in the second half but that’s to be expected — we had a tough game on Thursday night whereas Southampton were probably tucked up at home watching The Good Wife.
Notwithstanding that, though, there is never a situation that’s ever going to be improved by the addition of Martin Skrtel.
Unless the situation is me having a £100 on us conceding a penalty, in which case get him on.
Someone is probably shouting the following at their computer:
“IT’S NOT SKRTEL’S FAULT! MAYBE IF YOU WERE SUPPORTING THE TEAM RATHER THAN DISCUSSING WHO ALBUMS WITH MINOR CELEBRITIES THAT YOU WILL LATER NAMEDROP IN YOUR STUPID FIVE THOUGHTS THING WE MIGHT HAVE WON.”
Fair point. I’ll try that next time we’re 2-0 up and let you know what happens.
5) I’m back on the coach and everyone’s a bit miserable to be honest.
We’ve just set off on the long journey home and the driver has just said that, during the game, he went for a walk and saw the biggest shit he’s ever seen in his life. How weird, I thought. I’d always wondered what he got up to during the game but I’d never have guessed he walked around measuring shits.
It was only about five minutes into the conversation that I realised he must have said ‘ship’.
Oh, and it’s Live at Hull by the way — the drums are much clearer.
Until next time, Up the Reds and have a great Easter.