MANCHESTER, ENGLAND - Wednesday, March 16, 2016: Liverpool's Philippe Coutinho Correia celebrates scoring the first goal against Manchester United during the UEFA Europa League Round of 16 2nd Leg match at Old Trafford. (Pic by David Rawcliffe/Propaganda)

EVENING, everyone.

Regular readers of this column, all eight of them, will know how exactly how this works by now.

But here’s a crash course for newcomers — a football match happens and I have 5 thoughts.

Here they are:

1) I spent most of the day watching The Walk of Life project online.

For those of you who don’t know what this is, it’s a website where some people have added Walk of Life by Dire Straits to the end of a load of films — The Shining, The Godfather, Star Wars, Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid etc etc.

Their belief, which they’ve been vindicated on, is that it dramatically improves the end of every film.

I’ve no idea who comes up with this stuff, or how, but the world is a better place for it. Now I can listen to the song without having to think of that dreadful Walk of Life video with all the sports bloopers which are supposed to be funny, but never are.

Instead, I can now listen to it and think of Chewbacca getting his medal at the end of Star Wars.

2) Just before the game, the United fans in the corner opposite us showed us their flag game.

This consisted of them holding up about seven flags.

I’ll be honest, it’s the worst flag game I’ve seen since some Welsh lads went to Glastonbury with a “I hate Flags” flag.

MANCHESTER, ENGLAND - Wednesday, March 16, 2016: Liverpool supporters before the UEFA Europa League Round of 16 2nd Leg match against Manchester United at Old Trafford. (Pic by David Rawcliffe/Propaganda)

3) My mate Big Kev showed the most remarkable restraint I’ve ever seen not to hit the United fan in the row in front of him who was goading him for 90 minutes.

When I get home, and work out how to do it, I’ll probably nominate him for the Nobel Peace Prize to be honest. Obviously he’ll be a surprise winner, not least among those who have brokered peace and ceasefires amongst warring nations.

However, once they show the picture of the United fan — his face contorted as he shouted “murderers” at us, his hair stuck in that terrible ’90s mod style — then everyone at the ceremony will be in agreement.

That Big Kev fella deserves this. Fair play to him.

4) Coutinho scored the best goal ever and I had half a cup of coffee in my hand.

The goal was good but the skill I showed in not spilling any while jumping up and down and hugging a bunch of strangers was impeccable. When it all calmed down I looked around and saw Alan Kennedy behind me.

I like to think he recognised the talent on display.

Either that or he thought: “Why is this bald man who looks a bit like Lenin staring at me?”

5) The match ends and, for some reason, everyone thinks it’s a good idea to let the Liverpool fans out at the same time as the United fans.

It’s total chaos — flares going off everywhere creating limited visibility and silhouettes of terrified horses in the distance. People are either scared or angry — nothing in between.

My coach is about five minutes away and, I’ll be honest, I wonder if I’ll make it through the mayhem.

Then suddenly, it occurs me. There’s only one thing for it.

Headphones on, press play: Walk of Life by Dire Straits.

“Here comes Johnny singing oldies, goldies…”

And that’s me, calm as you like, walking through the crowds and heading to the coach. 

Again it’s provided the perfect ending, and this time to my own film — one about a dickhead who leaves the match listening to Dire Straits when everyone else is singing the Coutinho song.

Up the Walk of Life Reds.