Ben Johnson’s player ratings for The Anfield Wrap after Bournemouth 1 Liverpool 2 in the League Cup fourth round at the Vitality Stadium…


WHAT was going on with the fucking weather, there?

Jesus. Like trying to play footy on top of a plane. Fucking Buckley Hill. Leave the house and it is 30 degrees, get to Buckley Hill and it’s minus six and your fucking wig has just blew off to Skem.

Kelleher: 8

That’s probably the best he has played for The Reds for absolutely ages in that he made some saves. Some good ones and some actual ones, as opposed to things just ending up in the goal. Wild conditions. Could have took his shirt up and held it up over his head like you used to in school and flew to fucking France.

Gomez: 7

Slagged him for their goal, feels a bit harsh in that it felt like a diddle on FIFA.

Big Joel: 8

Thought he was great, you know. All of the defence were second half, to be fair, when they literally couldn’t kick the ball in the air without it going out for a corner. Really shouldn’t be underestimated as to how hard that actually is. Makes it so much easier for them to press, makes it so much harder for you to pick a pass.

Quansah: 9

He is so good, you know. Imagine if we had bought him from Brighton. I know it has been said, but everyone would be jizzing all over the gaff. Brilliant defending second half on a load of occasions. Just looks like he has played there for years. Tremendous.

Tsimikas: 7

My lad come in after about 20 minutes and his big soft head was on the screen. How did he get a black eye? Some one cracked him, lad, because he is shite. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Haven’t stopped laughing about it since.

Actually did alright.

Endo: 7

I really like his passing. It’s so efficient in its style. Would like to like his tackling but he doesn’t make too many of them, so the sample size is too small. Feels like a bit of a shame.

Elliott: 7

Thought he was good. Should do better with that chance first half, sort of half hits it.

Jones: 8

He’s a buzz head. Gave him an extra point for being sound.

Salah: 8

It felt silly playing him in a tornado. Fucking big sandblaster stitched to his face. I wouldn’t imagine Egypt is a gaff with much wind. Just gentle breezes is the Egyptian order of the day. Can’t see him being used to that. Fucking ridiculous.

Unlucky with the header second half. Would have liked him to have had a Gore-Tex on. Keep warm.

Szoboszlai: 8

He’s boss, isn’t he? Like so good.

Gakpo: 8

Loved it second half when he walloped some cunt who had left one in on someone. Is right, Cody. Do it again. Loved it more than the goal, which frankly I wasn’t that arsed about.


Jota: 7

Come on and I felt better, which is nice.

Gravenberch: 7 for the leapfrog

Come on and booted everyone, leap frogged some cunt and gave a free kick away in the last minute which was fun.

Trent: 8

Come on in midfield and I was so happy. So was he I think, legging it everywhere. Only fella on the pitch who could still ping passes about unaffected by the wind. Fucking Wicked Witch of the West went flying past him and he is pinging a ball to Darwin first time for the goal.

Darwin: 9

Speaking of which, what a ball from Trent, bit of an iffy touch, which is to be expected seen as though the weather is insane. The little jeer of the crowd, reminds me of Suarez at Stoke. Everyone slagging him, pulls it out the sky and bends it top bin. Little hand to the ear, suck my plums, please. Ha ha ha.

Buzz head. Imagine he did it with no hair band in. Hair flowing like fucking Shadowfax’s mane. Probably for the best he keeps it tied up.

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