THE thing about retaining the league is it’s a bit like winning a pie-eating competition, only to be told the prize is more pies.
And let’s be honest, we ate a shit load of pies last season, way more than we needed to. The Spanish Pie Head in second place just kept looking at us going: “Alright mate, you’ve won, just lay off the pies will yer.”
But we hadn’t eaten pies for 30 years and the last thing we were gonna do is trust a Pie Head wearing a gilet and a roll neck.
So we kept going, stuffing ourselves until we could stretch out on the sofa in front of Murder She Wrote, with a big old shiny medal around our necks.
Fair enough, but today it looked like we we still had a belly full while Villa bounced on to the pitch after a massive shit.
Here’s your ratings. They’re out of 10, just in case you’re wondering.
Gets us off to a terrible start and never recovered after that. Awful performance and the most embarrassed I’ve seen Adrian since Clubber Lang propositioned her in Rocky 3.
Didn’t offer anything defensively and nothing going forward either. Kind of the opposite of what we expect of him. Swerve the socials, mate.
Joe Gomez: 1
Fucking hell, where do you start? His worst performance in a Liverpool shirt. By a mile. Was holding a different line to everyone else and did little right all evening. Was watching him through my fingers in the second half.
Big Virg: 2
Nowhere near it today, as a centre half or captain.
Seemed to be on a one-man mission to actually win the game. Offered loads of threat in the first half and linked up well with the lively Jota.
Wasn’t great but we needed about a million goals so I probably would have kept him on and put Fabs back to centre half in place of Gomez. What do I know, though? My team talk would have been about pies.
Along with the rest of the midfield he offered little protection to a back four that needed shit loads. Then he went in the back four and was even worse.
Kept thinking we could do with Gini in this side.
Scored twice without really being in the game.
Bobby F: 4
Great ball for Salah’s second but we needed more from him today. Like six goals.
Looks like he’s in Hot Chip and probably wishes he was after tonight.
Not sure about him, you know.
Curtis Jones: 4
I know he thinks a lot of himself but even he must have thought “fuck this, Jürgen” when he came on.
Came on and tackled one of their strikers. Too late for it to catch on.