THE thing about retaining the league is it’s a bit like winning a pie-eating competition, only to be told the prize is more pies.

And let’s be honest, we ate a shit load of pies last season, way more than we needed to. The Spanish Pie Head in second place just kept looking at us going: “Alright mate, you’ve won, just lay off the pies will yer.”

But we hadn’t eaten pies for 30 years and the last thing we were gonna do is trust a Pie Head wearing a gilet and a roll neck.

So we kept going, stuffing ourselves until we could stretch out on the sofa in front of Murder She Wrote, with a big old shiny medal around our necks.

Fair enough, but today it looked like we we still had a belly full while Villa bounced on to the pitch after a massive shit.

Here’s your ratings. They’re out of 10, just in case you’re wondering.

Adrian: 1

Gets us off to a terrible start and never recovered after that. Awful performance and the most embarrassed I’ve seen Adrian since Clubber Lang propositioned her in Rocky 3.

Trent: 2

Didn’t offer anything defensively and nothing going forward either. Kind of the opposite of what we expect of him. Swerve the socials, mate.

Joe Gomez: 1

Fucking hell, where do you start? His worst performance in a Liverpool shirt. By a mile. Was holding a different line to everyone else and did little right all evening. Was watching him through my fingers in the second half.

Big Virg: 2

Nowhere near it today, as a centre half or captain.

Robbo: 6

Seemed to be on a one-man mission to actually win the game. Offered loads of threat in the first half and linked up well with the lively Jota.

Nabs: 5

Wasn’t great but we needed about a million goals so I probably would have kept him on and put Fabs back to centre half in place of Gomez. What do I know, though? My team talk would have been about pies.

Fabs: 4

Along with the rest of the midfield he offered little protection to a back four that needed shit loads. Then he went in the back four and was even worse.

Gini: 4

Kept thinking we could do with Gini in this side.

Mo: 6

Scored twice without really being in the game.

Bobby F: 4

Great ball for Salah’s second but we needed more from him today. Like six goals.

Jota: 6

Looks like he’s in Hot Chip and probably wishes he was after tonight.


Minamino: 4

Not sure about him, you know.

Curtis Jones: 4

I know he thinks a lot of himself but even he must have thought “fuck this, Jürgen” when he came on.

Milner: N/A

Came on and tackled one of their strikers. Too late for it to catch on.