JESUS Christ.

That first half was pretty bad, weren’t it? Second half weren’t much cop either, mind you.

Aye Aye Big Si: 5

I mean, I don’t know. Spent years watching him not be at fault for goals but never making a one-on-one save. The opposite of what you want in a keeper in them situations. Makes himself smaller than you would imagine is possible. He’s like the opposite of Mary Poppins handbag. Shite. That’s probably harsh. I couldn’t give two fucks, William.

Got the footwork of a dead horse wearing Timberlands for that second. Glued to his line when Hoever was desperate for him to come and help him second half. Nothing but that dead-eye stare. The deadest of eyes.

Playing upfront for the last few minutes > the rest of his Liverpool career.

I truly hope, from the bottom of my heart, that we never, ever have to watch him play for Liverpool ever again. If we do, something has gone drastically wrong.

WOLVERHAMPTON, ENGLAND - Monday, January 7, 2019: Liverpool's captain James Milner (L) and goalkeeper Simon Mignolet look dejected as Wolverhampton Wanderers scored the first goal during the FA Cup 3rd Round match between Wolverhampton Wanderers FC and Liverpool FC at Molineux Stadium. (Pic by David Rawcliffe/Propaganda)

Rafa Camacho: 5

Decided to play right wing and fuck off the defending bit there for the first half an hour; like Philly Degen but higher up the pitch, which takes some doing. Genuinely, not sure what position he was playing

Seemed like most of what we seen first half was The Reds chasing their lads after we had lost the ball, and then Camacho popping up at the bottom of the screen in what can only be described as a token retreat. Better second half in that he played a bit like a right back.

Degsi Degsi Big Dog: 7

In fairness, best he played all season that. Didn’t put a foot wrong. Reckon the Big Dog’s ego couldn’t cope with Virg getting a rest and him having to play. I’m not saying there’s nothing wrong with him, but remember when he went off at The Kop end on gas and air with a broken ankle on the Wednesday and played on the Saturday? Fucking Lazarus, lad.

Fabinho: 7

Did alright first half in fairness, but makes the decision to dive in when he might have been better served staying on his feet. Not surprising that, really. Natural instinct as a midfielder is to dive in and win it knowing you having a couple of fellas behind you to mop up if you don’t win it. Actually thought he did alright throughout and had a bit about him.

WOLVERHAMPTON, ENGLAND - Monday, January 7, 2019: Wolverhampton Wanderers' Raúl Jiménez (L) and Liverpool's Fabio Henrique Tavares 'Fabinho' during the FA Cup 3rd Round match between Wolverhampton Wanderers FC and Liverpool FC at Molineux Stadium. (Pic by David Rawcliffe/Propaganda)

Albie Moreno: 5

Loves letting a fella run off his shoulder, doesn’t he? Like that stock photo that always bounces round Twitter of the fella with his bird next to him, while he is looking at the other bird over his shoulder — except Albie is the fella, his bird is where he thinks his man is, and the fancy piece is his actual man, yet the dopey fucker still hasn’t realised so is smug as fuck. Time delay between his eyes and his brain of about 40 seconds.

Genuinely must be some fella in the dressing room to still be knocking around this first team, like fucking Ant and Dec rolled into one. Fucking fun time Charlie. Up there with the worst left backs to play for us in my lifetime, and I watched John Riise aimlessly twat shots at walls for what felt like 20 fucking years.

James Milner: 6

Tried to get The Reds playing from the deep midfield role, but there was nothing doing first half and also it takes a specific skillset to play that role, one of which is looking after the ball under pressure. Pretty dismal for the goal. Gives it away first of all, then just decides to let their lad run in on goal and then did a Klinsmann. Kept going as you would expect and grafted his balls off.

Curtis Jones: 5

A thousand Scouse points out of a thousand for being the Scousest fella since Jimmy Corkhill, there. Feel sorry for the young lads when they have to play in a team with this many changes, with no rhythm and first-team players who tend to be shite in these games.

Looked sharp when he got the ball, just didn’t get the ball much first half. The problem then is, when you do get it, you try and make something happen. Tried to force it, gave it away in the dangerous area, two minutes later… 2-1. One of them, init? Would like to see him and all of the young lads, with a full-strength team, one at a time, not all lumped in together.

WOLVERHAMPTON, ENGLAND - Monday, January 7, 2019: Liverpool's Curtis Jones during the FA Cup 3rd Round match between Wolverhampton Wanderers FC and Liverpool FC at Molineux Stadium. (Pic by David Rawcliffe/Propaganda)

Big Shaq Not In The House: 5

Can see why people said he was shite at Stoke last year, can’t you? It’s hard sometimes looking good in a shite side, because when you get it you have no one to give it to. Then when someone else gets it they either can’t find you, don’t see you, or give it away while trying. How the fuck has that freekick not gone in?

Naby Keita: 5

Coupe of nice touches first 20, but then drifted out of it when The Reds needed the midfield to stand up for themselves. Looked absolutely jiggered last 20, like he was running in treacle, which is a worry on its own, and then plays that one out when Salah was in space, which was pretty shite and also a worry. I’m worried about him, you know.

Divock: 7

Worked his plumbs off there, didn’t he? Showed for every ball, didn’t give up, scored a belter. Fair play, Big Div.

WOLVERHAMPTON, ENGLAND - Monday, January 7, 2019: Liverpool's Divock Origi (C) celebrates scoring the first goal with team-mates Rafael Camacho (L) and Sheridan Shaqiri (R) during the FA Cup 3rd Round match between Wolverhampton Wanderers FC and Liverpool FC at Molineux Stadium. (Pic by David Rawcliffe/Propaganda)

Dan Sturridge: 4

An absolute waste of time, there. Did fuck all, and I mean that. Not a thing. Seriously, what impact did he have on the game? Drifted about between their lads when we were without the ball. Drifted about between our lads when we had it.

Granted, its hard to play well upfront in a team that isn’t clicking, but fuck me. The only thing he did in the first 67 minutes was get the foul for the Shaq freekick. Deserved to be fucking dragged off. That said, he’s never going to be the type of player to run shuttles and chase shadows, so maybe that’s a bit harsh? Fuck even knows anymore.


Hoever: 7

Spent the game cleaning up everyone else’s shite there, didn’t he? Soz. Fancied himself like Jari on the ball there, didn’t he? Did incredibly well for a 16-year-old.

I was listening to Be Here Now on repeat and wearing a light blue cagoule that would have fit John Candy when I was his age. Boss dribble out from the back. Made a few mistakes but so would you playing in front of him, and in the same backline as the other fella.


You know why they are some of the best players in the world? They fucking graft when the team needs them to graft, even though they are better than every other fucker on the pitch.

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