Liverpool 4 Brighton & Hove Albion 0: Match Ratings

LIVERPOOL, ENGLAND - Sunday, May 13, 2018: Liverpool's Mohamed Salah waves to the supporters after receiving the Golden Boot trophy for finishing the season as the leading League goal-scorer during the FA Premier League match between Liverpool FC and Brighton & Hove Albion FC at Anfield. (Pic by David Rawcliffe/Propaganda)

I DON’T like to start on a bit of a downer and that, but someone needs to do something about these referees, mate.

That fucker Friend wants fucking legging out of the city boundaries, like fucking Thelma and Louise, but instead of a load of bizzies, it is Andy Robertson and a squad of absolute ket wigs legging him on foot biting at his fat fucking heels. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a squarer-looking man, he is like a fucking episode of Rainbow. Oblong prick. I hope someone sticks Zippy up his arse on the way home.

Seriously, someone needs to intervene with these referees mate, it’s beyond a joke. Over the course of a season it’s hard to see how we win the league when these fuckers won’t give us a carrot. I’m not a lover of VAR but give me a robot all fucking day long ahead of these friggers, Krytren or fucking Robocop will do. Refbot ultras lad, all day.

Anyway, sound The Reds, aren’t they?

Karius: 7

Nothing to do except look all spring like in his lovely lemon kit and then bladder their lad when the liner couldn’t be arsed giving offside. Like his decision making, in that he makes a decision and sticks to it. Is right, lad. Did you see Big Mig in the kit. As opposed to spring time he looked like Bananaman. Is right, Miggy.

Trent: 8

Was boss, weren’t he? Looks like he’s been playing for years. What an idol. Role model, Scouser, Golden Samba winner, absolute captain later, isn’t he?

LIVERPOOL, ENGLAND - Sunday, May 13, 2018: Liverpool's Trent Alexander-Arnold with his Golden Samba supporters' award for Young Player of the Season after the FA Premier League match between Liverpool FC and Brighton & Hove Albion FC at Anfield. (Pic by David Rawcliffe/Propaganda)

Degsy: 9

Speaking of which; captain, leader, legend today there, wasn’t he? Not sure I’ve ever celebrated a goal by screaming “disallow that, you square fucker” before, but Degsy did the same, didn’t bother celebrating, just bollocked the referee for that pen nonsense. Man of the match. Ran up for his goal from by ours and took off on a trampoline. Is right, lad.

Big Virg: 10

Like a thoroughbred horse, isn’t he? Fucking Red Rum or something. If we lashed him in the parade ring mate, you would have people saying look at this beautiful specimen. He’s marvellous. Have him an eight but jacko made me change it to a 10. Sound.

Robbo: 9

Grafted harder than my Gmail on Friday there, but got some reward with his goal as opposed to me getting a big ballot bin bag. Honest to god, if artificial intelligence was a bit more advanced Siri would have jumped out me phone there Friday and give me a good hiding and a thorough lesson in how the email system works. You don’t need to refresh your email, you baldy fucker. It literally let’s you know when you get one. You have been getting emails since 1998, you fucking idiot.

LIVERPOOL, ENGLAND - Sunday, May 13, 2018: Liverpool's Andy Robertson celebrates scoring the fourth goal, his first for the club, during the FA Premier League match between Liverpool FC and Brighton & Hove Albion FC at Anfield. (Pic by David Rawcliffe/Propaganda)

Henderson: 8

It is absolutely incredible to me that he gets any stick whatsoever. He is great. Marvellous. He will win the European Cup in two weeks and have people slagging him as not being good enough to captain the club. Have a think about that, boys.

Gini: 8

Was great, wasn’t he? Loves a home game in the sun.

Firmino: 8

Could have had six today but was boss as per.

LIVERPOOL, ENGLAND - Sunday, May 13, 2018: Liverpool's Roberto Firmino films the supporters as the players go on a lap of honour after the FA Premier League match between Liverpool FC and Brighton & Hove Albion FC at Anfield. (Pic by David Rawcliffe/Propaganda)

Salah: 9

Has won everything there is to win this season and will cap it off with a big European Cup win. If he follows it up by having a funeral ceremony for “we won it five times, in Istanbul, we won it fives times” and it’s never sung again I’ll get his face tattooed on my face.

Sadio: 8

Was sound there trying to set Mo up when he could have just scored instead. Every decision he made was then wrong for a bit but it doesn’t really matter, does it. I bet he can’t wait to get after Madrid’s crabs.

Dom Head: 9

Was working on a Solanke/Solange Knowles joke for most of the first half. Not sure what it is but its got some legs. Solanke goals, Solange Knowles, I don’t know. Reckon Firmino is Beyoncé or something. Any road, thought he was great there. Stretched the game, freed up loads of space, was absolutely made up when he scored. Is right, Dom lad. If you like it you should have lashed it in the top bin or whatever. It needs work.

LIVERPOOL, ENGLAND - Sunday, May 13, 2018: Liverpool's Dominic Solanke celebrates scoring the third goal, his first for the club, during the FA Premier League match between Liverpool FC and Brighton & Hove Albion FC at Anfield. (Pic by David Rawcliffe/Propaganda)

SUBS

Lallana:

Thought he looked really sharp, you know. Boss first sub to recharge The Reds’ batteries in Kiev.

Ben Woodburner:

Secret weapon, him.

Danny Ings:

Thought he scored. Got the posture of a croissant (copyright of Adam Melia).

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18 Comments

  1. Great call on the ref, absolute shite, never up with play and missed 2 stone wall pens where he had a clear view of both incidents.

  2. Degsy. Balls of steel. Thank fuck Klopp played him after spurs away when easy (popular) thing would have been to drop him. Deserves a European Cup. Let’s go Reds, looked so so sharp today and ready for the mother of all battles in Kiev.

  3. Made up for Dom. Thought he played extremely well. Cant wait for him to score the winner off the bench in a few weeks

  4. In fairness Friend is one who actually gave us a peno this season but that must’ve been before he heard about the wager with the rest of the refs to see who can ignore the most stonewall ones.

    I’m just hoping if it’s true these things even themselves out over a season we’re getting at least 5 against Madrid.

  5. still giggling after reading that.

  6. RoadWarrior

    I guess it’s a little harsh to make comparisons after such a great day, but Solanke looked head and shoulders above Ings today in regards to backup options. Not enough perhaps that we don’t need reinforcements, but enough to suggest he’s good enough to stick around next season. If he can keep improving his interplay he’s capable of slotting in when needed- you can see the brain and physique are getting there.

    • Your right about Dom. I think it’s the formation 4-2-3-1 we played, and the match minutes that allows him the opportunity to shine.

      I don’t think he’s a good option off the bench, especially with 5 minutes to go etc.

      His movement reminds me of Benzema for some reason.

      Dom will improve though. Can’t wait for the 26th.

  7. Would love to have a pint watching the footy with Ben Johnson.

  8. Dean Griffiths

    Should be on the national curriculum, these match ratings. Get better every week. Good work Johnno.

  9. The butterfly collector

    Lad in front of me calls Virgil “Rolls Royce”. Is right lid.

  10. Two weeks until the final game of the season. Can we use that time productively to agree on what Ben can give us rankings on over dog days of summer? I’ll start the ball rolling by admitting more than a passing interest in how Ben would rate his weekly food shop.

  11. “Posture of a croissant.” Melia nailed it. Makes Ings easy to spot on television.

    Prior to the goal, Solanke’s link-up play was satisfying enough. It was like having two Firmino’s on the attack at once. He’s maybe 50% Firmino, which seems like plenty.

  12. Massively up for this ‘Ben rates weekly shops’ lark. He can hit up different supermarkets each week. Imagine the Waitrose week…;)

    • Waitrose would have to be lived stream. In years to come it might be regarded as ‘peak internet’ after which everything else was on the decline.

  13. That kit adds one mark to every player. At least one. Surely?

  14. Needs to be less funny. “Disallow that, you square fucker” I nearly coughed and choked to death. Take a little responsibility.

  15. Brilliant – As usual!

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