BRING on yer Roma by the score.

Next week bring them on by the thousands. I’ll be the lad dressed as a Knights Templar on a holy mission, with shark suit Under Armour and a massive suit of armour over the top. Go ‘ed yer shithouse, stab my arse now.

I went to Roma on the way to Athens in 2007, by the way. It’s sound, you know. Got gripped by the bizzies for getting a Dirk Kuyt banner out in front of the Colosseum and got jumped by eight pickpockets who mistook us for silly Americans and were quite startled when me mate Moggo lashed their ringleader against the wall and we started lashing digs out for a laugh. That aside, I remember it being like Bootle Oriel Road. I’ll tell you more next week.

Heard a fella, God’s honest truth, say the following on The Kop after the final whistle: “That German cunt got it wrong again.”

Seriously. I couldn’t believe my fucking ears. We are leading by three after the first leg of the European Cup semi final and people aren’t happy. I would suggest he needs to give it a rest. Did our old teams used to beat everyone in European games 8-0 every week? Did they fuck. Soft auld cunt.

Karius: 7

Made an amazing save that went on to hit the bar. When I say amazing, I mean I was amazed. Genuinely amazed at what had gone on.

LIVERPOOL, ENGLAND - Tuesday, April 24, 2018: Liverpool's goalkeeper Loris Karius during the UEFA Champions League Semi-Final 1st Leg match between Liverpool FC and AS Roma at Anfield. (Pic by David Rawcliffe/Propaganda)

Trent: 7

Thought he struggled with his distribution, maybe a little bit keen. Had a silly shot second half. Fair enough, mind you, I’d be shooting from me own half in the semi of a European Cup.

Degsi: 8

Gets an extra point for pretending to be injured after their first. Got stuck under the ball? Sound, just limp about for a bit and then lose your head. Aside from that, was excellent. Sounds like a contradiction in terms that, doesn’t it?

Virgil: 8

Not sure what went on. Had to play well as we were five up and finished three ahead in a Euro semi.

LIVERPOOL, ENGLAND - Tuesday, April 24, 2018: Liverpool's Virgil van Dijk during the UEFA Champions League Semi-Final 1st Leg match between Liverpool FC and AS Roma at Anfield. (Pic by David Rawcliffe/Propaganda)

Andy Robbo: 9

Best defender. Best lad. What a fella, fella. A fucking nuisance. Sound and Italian are you, yeah? What’s that you have ordered there, mate? Bit of bruschetta to start? Affogato for dessert? Veal Milanese for main, yer? Giz a bit. Giz your spoon. Let’s have a go. Go ‘ed. Shite that.

Henderson: 8

Struggled a bit against their very impressive baldy fat fella until The Reds ran their legs off and their fat baldy fella packed in for 20 minutes. Snapped and snarked about as per. Is right, lad.

Oxo: 5

Half a leg. Unlucky really, weren’t he? That said, his presence as they were half preparing to chop his leg off was a distraction for everyone and our collective heads went to bits. Should have put a tent up like The National or ran off with him on the stretcher like fucking Saving Private Ryan or some shit.

LIVERPOOL, ENGLAND - Tuesday, April 24, 2018: Liverpool's Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain is carried off injured during the UEFA Champions League Semi-Final 1st Leg match between Liverpool FC and AS Roma at Anfield. (Pic by David Rawcliffe/Propaganda)

Milner: 7

They couldn’t believe he was still running. No one could. He’s like Mo Farah without the Quorn overdose.

Sadio: 8

Jesus. Could have scored a million first half. Blazed the first and tried to make sure for the second chance, twatted it to Kenny instead. That said, scored in the European cup semi there, didn’t he?

Mo Salah: 10

I’m not sure I have ever seen a better player or a better performance in the flesh. Genuinely stunning. The Reds penned them in and penned them in and penned them in to no avail. Disallowed goal, missed chances, Mo gets it and puts it more top bin than Souness’s ’84 pen. Stunning. The dink for the second. The dink for the second. You think we aren’t scoring next week ’cause they haven’t conceded at home? Fuck you and your silly fucking head.

LIVERPOOL, ENGLAND - Tuesday, April 24, 2018: Liverpool's Mohamed Salah celebrates scoring the first goal during the UEFA Champions League Semi-Final 1st Leg match between Liverpool FC and AS Roma at Anfield. (Pic by David Rawcliffe/Propaganda)

Firmino: 9

Genuinely one of the best centre forwards we have had. Glorious for Mo’s first. Scored two, including a header that took so long to go in it might count in our first group game next year.

SUBS:

Gini: 9

Come on and looked like he had had his arse refurbished, like Pimp My Ride. Took his ability to hold people off with it to a new level, like they were wings of steel. Fucking Batfink, lad. Gini, can I borrow it before and after the game next week lad?

Ingredients: 6

Didn’t help us at all. That said, would love him to score next week and jump in that fountain.

We will twat them next week. Their two goals does nothing but keep them honest. Bring on yer Roma by the score, yer?

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