Liverpool 7 Spartak Moscow 0: Match Ratings

LIVERPOOL, ENGLAND - Wednesday, December 6, 2017: Liverpool's Sadio Mane celebrates scoring the fourth goal during the UEFA Champions League Group E match between Liverpool FC and FC Spartak Moscow at Anfield. (Pic by David Rawcliffe/Propaganda)

LET’S cut to the fucking chase here. The Reds are too good to be fannying about with introductions.

Larius Karius: 7

Boss first half. Couple of smart saves then ran into there fella full pelt like a crash test dummy on Tomorrow’s World. Got up, right away, which takes some doing in fairness. Have you seen the cut of them crash test dummies when they fly through a fucking window? Probably going to be the best ‘keeper in Europe which would be sound, wouldn’t it?

Joe Gomez: 7

Big and strong and first to everything, and then got to watch our boss lads leg them all over the gaff.

LIVERPOOL, ENGLAND - Wednesday, December 6, 2017: Liverpool's Joe Gomez and FC Spartak Moscow's Zé Luís during the UEFA Champions League Group E match between Liverpool FC and FC Spartak Moscow at Anfield. (Pic by David Rawcliffe/Propaganda)

Degsi Lovren: 7

Backs himself more than is theoretically possible. Like if you asked him to split a bill he would be explaining Pythagoras’ Theory to every fucker. Played well in fairness and got to rest his weary legs.

Raging Klavan: 8

Get on that for an autocorrect. Like a river. Extra point for that, lad.

Albie Moreno: 8

Probably better than the greats there first half. Unlucky to get injured. Mad the way everyone is a bit worried about him being injured for a bit rather than all getting on the ale like when John Riise left.

LIVERPOOL, ENGLAND - Wednesday, December 6, 2017: Liverpool's Alberto Moreno goes off injured during the UEFA Champions League Group E match between Liverpool FC and FC Spartak Moscow at Anfield. (Pic by David Rawcliffe/Propaganda)

Emre Can: 8

Legged them all over the show, really. Unlucky to get booked but then spent the rest of the game running midfield for a laugh. There’s talk of people not being arsed with him leaving for nothing. People are mental you know, look around you, the evidence is plain to fucking see. A fella called him “Channy” on The Kop there though so it’s probably better for all concerned if he gets off. Well in, Juve.

Gini: 7

Grafted and filled holes for our boss lads. Probably taking the piss out of Henderson for having to play centre mid on his own. Spent ages trying to set Dan Sturridge up, which is dead nice you know.

Phil Coutinho: 9

Obviously boss but all the chat on The Kop focused on the length of his hair first half. Bit long, isn’t it? Lustrous you might say. Talk of a birds nest soup. Remember them? They have fallen out of fashion, haven’t they? Ask for one now you will get a shredded wheat with a splash of soy sauce, some brine and a bit of tinned pineapple.

LIVERPOOL, ENGLAND - Wednesday, December 6, 2017: Liverpool's captain Philippe Coutinho Correia celebrates scoring the second goal during the UEFA Champions League Group E match between Liverpool FC and FC Spartak Moscow at Anfield. (Pic by David Rawcliffe/Propaganda)

Sadio Mane: 9

I’ll be honest, the front four (Phil included) are being scored as a unit. These lads work like one organism, living and breathing, moving and passing as one collective gang; possibly a gaggle. How can you differentiate between any of them when they are interchanging like this? Some of them goals were out of order. Like someone should have put a blanket over them; lashed a big towel on their head. Imperious.

Mo Salah: 9

See above. Imagine going for a coffee with him. He’s always lashing pictures of himself on Insta with the lids having a lovely coffee. None of your instant muck here, lads. Single origin all the way, bold, dark and sweet I reckon. I’ll have a bowl of that, Mo. The drag back for his goal was obscene. Might get into the Quran, you know; kind of want to do a bit of that kneeling down business.

Roberto Firmino: 9

Probably better than Ian Rush. Probably stronger than Harry Kane. Probably sounder than anyone you have ever met. Love how white his teeth are. Love his pretending to kick Coutinho in the head celebration. A superstar.

LIVERPOOL, ENGLAND - Wednesday, December 6, 2017: The master... Liverpool's Roberto Firmino celebrates scoring the third goal during the UEFA Champions League Group E match between Liverpool FC and FC Spartak Moscow at Anfield. (Pic by David Rawcliffe/Propaganda)


James Milner: 9

Come on and did a quiet impression of Paolo Maldini, there. Not like a mime act. The miming Maldini, niche that. Can’t see it catching on. Who have you booked for the party, then? A DJ? Magician? No, some lad with a square jaw, does a cracking silent Maldini impression, in fairness. The best left back in Europe.

Dan Sturridge: 7

Had hard lines. Well better against lads with 70 minutes in their legs. Can we box our pitch so everyone he faces is running up the travelator, and he is gliding about like he’s fucking James Milner or something?

Arnold: 7

Was sound.

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  1. Was most impressed about Studge and his unselfishness. Fab four were fab four and religious references are misplaced and Farage-esque dumb and ignorant.

    • Agree on BOTH points.

    • Think he’s just having a laugh mate. Its ok sometimes, y’know

    • vanishingpoint

      Actually Snowflake, to aid any continuation of our liberal Western civil society its YOU (pl.) who urgently need to de-programme your fucking pointless intolerances.

    • Jimmy Corkhill

      Jesus fucking liven up.

      (Sorry about the religious reference)

      • This religious reference is fine Jimmy. The PC police won’t be coming after you. It’s okay to mention or take the piss our of Christianity. And Judaism. And Hinduism. And Buddhism. And Sikhism. Can even draw a little cartoon about all these if you want.

        We were boss last night. They were atrocious, but still, a job needed doing and at no point did it look like we were going to make it a nervy night.

        Really hope Moreno’s injury isn’t serious. He has been so good this season and still doesn’t get the credit he deserves for his form because of transgressions in previous years.

        Agree with Ben on Emre. If he walks on a free it’s a disaster. Just don’t know how Klopp sees him and doesn’t play him in the 6 and drop Henderson, or at least move Henderson further forward to see if he can still offer there what he did in 13/14.

        Nothing more to say about the front 4. They’re the dog’s. Although would have liked Mo off on 60.

    • i read it that Ben was going to start eating veggie sausages for his tea

  2. Yeah, flowing like our forwards there Ben ☑

  3. Sturridge gliding about like he’s James Milner, quality mate.

  4. Hahaha – Normally just laugh internally, little sly smile here and there, but actually made an audible sound while reading there.

  5. “These lads work like one organism”

    Auto correct for “orgasm”? Cheers

  6. Maldini miming gag…. in stitches! Loving your work Ben johno, loving your work Redmen.

  7. I am leg-end (as opposed to bell-end)


    Sound stuff

  8. Boss ratings yet again. Just like our boss lads. 23 group stage goals, highest ever by an English team. Not bad at all.

  9. That was absolutely brutal. 7-0. Take a moment to consider that scoreline. You don’t see many 7-0s really. Plenty of 6-0s but it tends to stop there. We’ve had two 7-0 wins out of three games in the Champions League.

    Turned the Russian champions into mince pies. Klopp is building something terrifying.

  10. Ben Johno: fucking sound, lad!!!
    Up the knock out stage Reds!!!

  11. Wonder what VVD made of that. I’d imagine anyone remotely linked with us would want a massive slice of that delicious footballing pie on display.

    Captain Coutinho with a hat trick. Barcelona are probably wondering which of the Fab Four they should pick. I’m thinking that Barcelona never scored 21 goals in the group stages. And once VVD takes a bite of that pie, why would any one of our attackers want to make a step down?

    • doesn’t matter what he thought of it. He thought we were great in the summer and look where that got him. Just like Coutinho can think Barcelona are wonderful as much as he likes.

      If the owners don’t budge they are going nowhere

  12. I love these ratings Ben. Imagine being Phil reading these though. Doubt any google translate algorithm will do them justice.

  13. OH MY GOD!!!!! A 7-0 win and the comments thread is ridiculous…….Fucksake enjoy the moment and fucking man up…… I am catholic by the way….if the first 3 words have offended anybody then you have confused me with somebody that gives a fuck….

    • Don’t worry lad.

      Those people like Sour_Kraut, who want to police everyone’s language and decide what we can and cannot say, and generally get offended at anything and everything (usually on behalf of other people), are at fever pitch now, but they’ll soon die down after they get to protest Trump and show the world what good people they are and how virtuous they are. That’ll get it out of their system for a while.

      Strangely, they weren’t so keen to protest when unelected tyrants who execute gays were coming on a state visit, but these people are those kind who think a democratically elected leader who doesn’t kill gays, or apostates, like Trump, is a worse person than someone like King Abdullah. (He’s a Muslim though, and the last thing they’d want is to come off as Islamophobic.)

  14. Did anyone notice Captain Phil directing his troops first half? Flourished with the armband, klopp should let him keep it.
    Also can we Give Albie an extra point for his passion for the cause? He celebrates each goal more than the lad who scores it, and crying when coming off injured showed what it all means to him! Suddenly i’m his biggest fan lol

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