LIVERPOOL, ENGLAND - Wednesday, December 6, 2017: Liverpool's Sadio Mane celebrates scoring the fourth goal during the UEFA Champions League Group E match between Liverpool FC and FC Spartak Moscow at Anfield. (Pic by David Rawcliffe/Propaganda)

LET’S cut to the fucking chase here. The Reds are too good to be fannying about with introductions.

Larius Karius: 7

Boss first half. Couple of smart saves then ran into there fella full pelt like a crash test dummy on Tomorrow’s World. Got up, right away, which takes some doing in fairness. Have you seen the cut of them crash test dummies when they fly through a fucking window? Probably going to be the best ‘keeper in Europe which would be sound, wouldn’t it?

Joe Gomez: 7

Big and strong and first to everything, and then got to watch our boss lads leg them all over the gaff.

LIVERPOOL, ENGLAND - Wednesday, December 6, 2017: Liverpool's Joe Gomez and FC Spartak Moscow's Zé Luís during the UEFA Champions League Group E match between Liverpool FC and FC Spartak Moscow at Anfield. (Pic by David Rawcliffe/Propaganda)

Degsi Lovren: 7

Backs himself more than is theoretically possible. Like if you asked him to split a bill he would be explaining Pythagoras’ Theory to every fucker. Played well in fairness and got to rest his weary legs.

Raging Klavan: 8

Get on that for an autocorrect. Like a river. Extra point for that, lad.

Albie Moreno: 8

Probably better than the greats there first half. Unlucky to get injured. Mad the way everyone is a bit worried about him being injured for a bit rather than all getting on the ale like when John Riise left.

LIVERPOOL, ENGLAND - Wednesday, December 6, 2017: Liverpool's Alberto Moreno goes off injured during the UEFA Champions League Group E match between Liverpool FC and FC Spartak Moscow at Anfield. (Pic by David Rawcliffe/Propaganda)

Emre Can: 8

Legged them all over the show, really. Unlucky to get booked but then spent the rest of the game running midfield for a laugh. There’s talk of people not being arsed with him leaving for nothing. People are mental you know, look around you, the evidence is plain to fucking see. A fella called him “Channy” on The Kop there though so it’s probably better for all concerned if he gets off. Well in, Juve.

Gini: 7

Grafted and filled holes for our boss lads. Probably taking the piss out of Henderson for having to play centre mid on his own. Spent ages trying to set Dan Sturridge up, which is dead nice you know.

Phil Coutinho: 9

Obviously boss but all the chat on The Kop focused on the length of his hair first half. Bit long, isn’t it? Lustrous you might say. Talk of a birds nest soup. Remember them? They have fallen out of fashion, haven’t they? Ask for one now you will get a shredded wheat with a splash of soy sauce, some brine and a bit of tinned pineapple.

LIVERPOOL, ENGLAND - Wednesday, December 6, 2017: Liverpool's captain Philippe Coutinho Correia celebrates scoring the second goal during the UEFA Champions League Group E match between Liverpool FC and FC Spartak Moscow at Anfield. (Pic by David Rawcliffe/Propaganda)

Sadio Mane: 9

I’ll be honest, the front four (Phil included) are being scored as a unit. These lads work like one organism, living and breathing, moving and passing as one collective gang; possibly a gaggle. How can you differentiate between any of them when they are interchanging like this? Some of them goals were out of order. Like someone should have put a blanket over them; lashed a big towel on their head. Imperious.

Mo Salah: 9

See above. Imagine going for a coffee with him. He’s always lashing pictures of himself on Insta with the lids having a lovely coffee. None of your instant muck here, lads. Single origin all the way, bold, dark and sweet I reckon. I’ll have a bowl of that, Mo. The drag back for his goal was obscene. Might get into the Quran, you know; kind of want to do a bit of that kneeling down business.

Roberto Firmino: 9

Probably better than Ian Rush. Probably stronger than Harry Kane. Probably sounder than anyone you have ever met. Love how white his teeth are. Love his pretending to kick Coutinho in the head celebration. A superstar.

LIVERPOOL, ENGLAND - Wednesday, December 6, 2017: The master... Liverpool's Roberto Firmino celebrates scoring the third goal during the UEFA Champions League Group E match between Liverpool FC and FC Spartak Moscow at Anfield. (Pic by David Rawcliffe/Propaganda)

SUBS

James Milner: 9

Come on and did a quiet impression of Paolo Maldini, there. Not like a mime act. The miming Maldini, niche that. Can’t see it catching on. Who have you booked for the party, then? A DJ? Magician? No, some lad with a square jaw, does a cracking silent Maldini impression, in fairness. The best left back in Europe.

Dan Sturridge: 7

Had hard lines. Well better against lads with 70 minutes in their legs. Can we box our pitch so everyone he faces is running up the travelator, and he is gliding about like he’s fucking James Milner or something?

Arnold: 7

Was sound.

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