THE teams have just dropped there and the idea that Liverpool won’t win this game has grown wings and fucked off into the fog.
That is a seriously good Liverpool team, up against a team whose Kryptonite seems to be other teams attacking them. Lets hope they think we are shit at the back and fancy attacking us; these Beatle motherfuckers up front for us might score 50.
To get us in the mood and seen as though it’s a bit Christmas I’ve done a hypothetical rating of going to both managers houses for Crimbo day.
Opens the door with three ciggies in his grid, two lit one waiting, lashes one in your mouth, hugs you like you saved his entire family from starvation, drags you indoors and immediately slams a massive white wine in one hand and a croissant with a sausage running through the middle in the other. White wine turns to lager turns to something drunker. Dinner is basically Black Forest flavours in drink format, followed by laughter, ciggies, and dancing. Everyone ends up back in yours off their pan, drinking out of jugs.
Opens the door, says hello. Dead polite, a little awks. Bangs on about maths, economics and Japan for a bit. Dinner is fish, nice fish, and a glass of white. Dessert is hours of watching little tricky fellas play keep ball while talking about the IMF. Talk of nipping the boozer for three pints before lunch is dismissed as a joke. Drive home.
Pre-match fella in the crowd: 1
He had a bag of carrots, chopped up and ready to eat, the Bugs Bunny mother fucker. A fucking bag of carrots on the Friday before Crimbo and at the match. Only way he doesn’t get 1/10 is if he was an actual rabbit dressed up as a ming or a ming who had took the carrots to throw at the orange Reds as some kind of elaborate, shite, colour-based joke.
Still can’t get over that carrot fella in fairness. What the fuck is he doing with them carrots now? Sharing them about? Dipping them in hummus? Fucking hell. The Reds should be eight up.
Another game The Reds should win, which I make as pretty much every game we have played this season. Gobshites in goal, individual mistakes and a lack of ruthlessness in both boxes will make you drop points. The Reds need another few years of upgrades, a couple of years of not selling lads, and to send Simon Mignolet to the fucking moon so he can’t ever play for us again. No shame in drawing away to them.
Simon Mignolet: 3
Hasn’t got a plastic head which doesn’t seem fair when you consider his opposite number. Nothing to do first half except not have a plastic head. Would have done better for their second goal if he did have a massive big plastic head and no arms and no brain and was effectively an oversized Lego man who couldn’t move. Fucking shite, don’t waste your breath arguing as to whether he is worth a carrot. He isn’t, he is shite, he will always be shite, he will never be good enough, never be strong enough. Saved a boss one that was going over, anyway. Sums him up really. Don’t start telling me he is the fifth best ‘keeper in the league. He is the number one worst for us, and I couldn’t give a shite about anyone else.
Joe Gomez: 6
Asleep for their goal. Played well, as per, but you can’t knock off like that. Killed us really as the game was dead and then it wasn’t. The consequence of always having the brightest prospects as opposed to the best seasoned pros is that they are learning their trade, likely to knock off, make mistakes. Suck it up Reds, or spend the dough. You can’t have both.
Ragnar Klavan: 7
Did a boss leg about coupled with a straight legger in the middle. Gives Andy Robertson a twat of a ball in the buildup to their third but aside from that did alright.
Dejan Lovren: 7
How didn’t he square it for Sadio Mane, for fuck’s sake? Great defensive header from the ensuing corner in fairness and then went on to have his best defensive half as a Liverpool player. Did nothing wrong for the three goals really.
Andy Robertson: 6
Started the game with a plastic magnet attached to all his crosses. Showed well down the wing mind, worked hard, did alright.
Emre Can: 7
Did well. Like all our centre mids though he doesn’t do enough to stem the tide when it isn’t going our way.
Jordan Henderson: 8
Phil Coutinho: 7
Does brilliantly for the goal, doesn’t he? Has a little gamble, pays off then loops it in the only place he could. Brilliant first half. Extra two points for calling the referee a skinny, grey-haired, sunbed cunt at half time, or, alternatively, telling him he should have give a freekick against Mane. One or the other, I can’t lip read lad. Absolutely went missing second half, don’t really remember him kicking it. Was disappointed he didn’t go off for Gini Wijnaldum, which says it all really.
Sadio Mane: 6
Started with no confidence, second guessing everything he did. Sort of realised halfway through he wasn’t shite but still out of nick. Would have scored if Degsi could pass the ball five yards, but should have scored with the volley, by not volleying it. Had chances to score and didn’t. Had chances at 3-2 and missed. Will come good obvs.
Mohamed Salah: 8
Marked, marked, marked, not marked, goal for The Reds. Like trying to keep a jack in the box quiet while having a centrifugal twitch in your hand. Should have scored two in a minute, but then just scored anyway. Could have had five but that’s like moaning about being full on Christmas day.
Roberto Firmino: 9
Unlucky with the two centre-forward headers first half, but was absolutely marvellous. Great for Salah’s goal, great for his goal, kicked shite out of their lads, broke it up, made us play, a contender for captain. Must wish he could play centre mid, or in goal at times.
James Milner: 7
Passed the ball well when he came on. Busy. Boss foul on Jack Wilshere start of the second, broke it up well, let the boss lads play.
Good idea not to play him.
Did well for the break.