STOKE-ON-TRENT, ENGLAND - Wednesday, November 29, 2017: Liverpool’s Sadio Mane celebrates scoring the opening goal with Dominic Solank , Joe Gomez and Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain during the FA Premier League match between Stoke City and Liverpool at the Bet365 Stadium. (Pic by Peter Powell/Propaganda)

LAD. Getting here was like Whacky Races. Whacky Races with additional chat.

We went through Wales. We went through England. We ended up in the heart of this weird little country, parked on a motorway, literally started to run down the motorway, ran back to the car, parked further up the motorway on a bridge, and then ran the ground, which is defo in the middle of nowhere. I mean, to the extent that if you want a bevy before the game you have to go to DFS, for something like a timeshare interview, and take the chances that you don’t sign up to a three piecer while you test out their couches and have a half a free Carling.

Anyway, we burst through the turnstiles at 7.55pm, get to our seats, and have the maddest restricted view ever. I mean, the crossbar was probably blocking 40 per cent of the pitch out, somehow. I know. So bear this in mind when you read the following:

Simon Mignolet: 7

I don’t know, I was 10 yards away from him and didn’t realise he was captain again until halfway through the first half. Did nothing aside from volley their lad on the edge of the box which was either absolutely shite or the greatest foul anyone ever committed. If this fucker carries on winning every game he captains he will end up with a statue outside the ground.

Joe Gomez: 7

Defended well. Could have done anything there second half at the back as I couldn’t see anything. Did he have his shorts on?

Alberto Moreno: 7

A seven made up of loads of eight and nines and loads of four and fives. Great tackle first half, followed up by knocking off for five minutes causing The Reds to go a bit mad for 10 minutes. He is what he is.

Joel Matip: 8

Thought he was boss, aggressive in the tackle, positioning great. Is right, lad.

STOKE-ON-TRENT, ENGLAND - Wednesday, November 29, 2017: Liverpool's Joel Matip and Stoke City's Peter Crouch during the FA Premier League match between Stoke City and Liverpool at the Bet365 Stadium. (Pic by David Rawcliffe/Propaganda)

Dejan Lovren: 7

See above but loses a point for Tottenham Hotspur away.

Gini Wijnaldum: Probably a 7

Couldn’t see the middle of the pitch but when he wasn’t in there he did alright. What more do you want?

Emre Can: Probably a 7

See above but he is a bit taller than Gini so probably a bit more confident that I actually seen a bit of him.

Alex Oxlade-Chambo: 7

Chambo, he did alright. Might get it on a T shirt.

STOKE-ON-TRENT, ENGLAND - Wednesday, November 29, 2017: Liverpool's Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain clashes with Stoke City's Bruno Martins Indi during the FA Premier League match between Stoke City and Liverpool at the Bet365 Stadium. (Pic by David Rawcliffe/Propaganda)

Dom Solanke: 7

Bright as button, on a coat you need to grow into. Tried to do the ‘keeper with the eyes first half but ended up getting it wrong and signposting it for him.

Sadio Mane: 9

Probably better than John Barnes. Probably as good as Ronaldo. Any Ronaldo. Name me a Ronaldo, he is probably as good as him. Great goal, I think, unlucky with the one against the post, then absolutely sends Dan Fletcher to the Co-op for Mo Salah’s first. Sublime. Boss cynical yellow as well. Should be captain.

Roberto Firmino

Didn’t nick Mane’s goal. Couldn’t see him the rest of the night. You tell me.

SUBS

Mo Salah: 10

He is probably going to score more goals than Ian Rush did ever in this season alone. Probably the best finisher we have had since Fernando Torres. Probably the best two goals I have ever celebrated. Talk of the restricted view is forgotten when Mane hangs that one up 10 yards from where we were sat, Salah pops up back stick, and absolutely lashes it. If the net hadn’t been there it would have took my head off. Best ever.

STOKE-ON-TRENT, ENGLAND - Wednesday, November 29, 2017: Liverpool's Mohamed Salah celebrates scoring the third goal during the FA Premier League match between Stoke City and Liverpool at the Bet365 Stadium. (Pic by David Rawcliffe/Propaganda)

James Milner

Come on and forgot how to use his legs for a bit. Well in.

Did anyone else come on? I can’t remember the last 10. It was a blur of Mo Mo and Mane songs.

Get in Redmen.

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