Alright gang. You probably hadn’t noticed but I didn’t do the ratings on Saturday against Southampton and I didn’t half miss it. So, to make it up to myself I have been scoring stuff, everyday stuff, out of 10. It’s well better than, say, not scoring stuff. Here are the highlights:
This mouth ulcer: 10
It is the ultimate, the end of level baddy, the fucking Big Boss Man. I’ve had it about a week and it now looks like the impact zone of the comet that killed off the dinosaurs. A smouldering, snarling, hissing, demogorg. Can’t be bettered.
The pharmacist who sold me the first lot of mouth ulcer gear: 1
Fucking Chemical Ali, mate. Absolutely sold me a Mickey Finn. “Buy this, the ultimate in ulcer treatment, it is the best in the business.”
*Gets home, puts the first lot of mouth ulcer gear on, starts crying, nearly faints, ends up with a face like the fella at the end of Robocop who gets the tub of toxic juice poured on his head.*
Made it in his bath, the fucker. Rut of vinegar, road grit, magma and sulphuric acid. Gone through about four baths since production started.
It’s meant to put a small protective film like layer over the ulcer. I think it works by causing the greatest imaginable pain possible, so that you lose all feeling in any area remotely connected to your brain, or what normal ulcerative pain feels like.
Anyway. The Reds. Pre-match ratings prediction of 3-1 to the Mighty Reds.
Fucking hell. I mean, fucking hell. From the sublime to the ridiculous. It was pretty fucking obvious once Albie Moreno went full-on Albie Moreno that it was going to end 3-3 but to see it play out in all its glory was pretty fucking painful.
All of the questions asked of this Liverpool team were nicely showcased in the second half, there. All of the qualities of this Liverpool team were nicely showcased in the first half too, mind. Imagine playing upfront for us and looking at them bellends at the back take it in turns to absolutely fuck you, week on week.
Give me a lifetime of mouth ulcers over watching that second half play out again. Give me one big ulcer for a mouth if some cunt can slap the mistakes out of that defence.
That said, we are top of the group and play a team of divvies at home to go through. It’s not the end of the world. It’s just fucking excruciatingly frustrating.
They haven’t lost at home since Juventus, who reached the final, beat them there last year. Take some solace from that.
These Reds could beat anyone in this competition. They could also lose the return leg by more, by the way, but let’s not dwell on that.
Larius Karius: 6
Great save from Larry there at 1-0, his first for The Reds and his only one all game. Played well over all but conceded three goals. Gegged in on the holiday vibe with his short-sleeve shirt and then acted like he was in Magaluf by punching their lad in the head for nothing. Feel like I would be slagging Simon Mignolet if he had conceded three goals so you can have some too, knobhead.
Joey Gomez: 6
They tried to exploit him a few times with an early switch but realised he is better than Jockey Hansen and knocked it on the head. Mo Salah killed him for their shot into the side netting early doors.
Absolutely legged that ballboy grown man everywhere. He was about 35, the fucker. Clean shaven, mind. Under the cosh second half but defended well. I feel sorry for the three defenders who aren’t Moreno really.
Albie Moreno: 2
Pre-match fears about Albie realised, there. Will he get overexcited and go mental playing in front of his mates in his hometown? The signs in the first half were that he wouldn’t. Defended well in the main first half, aside from their second chance in a minute which was shite. Good tactical foul at 3-0 first half and topped it off by kidding everyone in the ground that he was going to head it clear while sneakily glancing it out for a corner.
Doubled down on that in the first minute of the second half by playing their lad in with another shite header, which by the way, was as good as it got. He had a competition with Tottenham Hotspur’s Degsi Lovren for the worst half an hour in a Liverpool shirt ever. Absolutely shambolic for the foul that led to their first. Miles out of position then makes up for it by lashing their lad over for the freekick. Have I won yet Degsi, no? Watch this then; pen.
Quite possibly the stupidest player I have ever seen play for Liverpool. Like a thief in a film who is trying to get on the straight and narrow. “Just when I thought I was out, they pulled me back in.” Can’t shake the idiot section of his brain. The best we can ever hope for is longer stretches of abnormal behaviour before he relapses into his true self.
Degsi Lovren: 6
Started where he left off against Southampton but then overlapped down the right wing at 1-0 with visions of ragging their defender like Luis Suarez but dribbled it out for their throw like Lovren. Once this distraction was fresh in his mind he followed it up with a typically mental five minutes that should have led to them being at least level.
That said, he played well overall. Feel sorry for him as he had a good game. Will know what Albie is going through as that was him last week. Who is up next in the great Reds bellend defender tombola 2017-18?
Rag Klavan: 6
Covered across behind Albie well, covered well in general. Should head the ball for their third instead of backing it. Tend to get a bit more purchase with your head.
Jordan Henderson: 6
Silly foul after 10. Busy, niggly, horrible to play against first half and great to have. Chasing shadows second half.
Adds fuel to the fire that he hasn’t, along with the rest of his teammates, got the capacity to get hold of the ball and relieve pressure when it isn’t going well for us. That may well be system based, mind you. Tried his best, and eight times out of 10 that is good enough. Not so tonight.
Gini Wijnaldum: 6
Did the bits. All of the bits that matter to make a successful midfield performance first half. Grafted second half, but looked tired. See Henderson above re taking the sting out of the game.
Phil Coutinho: 6
Made a show of pretty much all of their lads first half. Imagine trying to mark him. Get tight, he will roll you. Stand off, he will leg you or split your defence in half. One of the best. Anonymous second half, like pretty much everyone else.
Sadio Mane: 7
Sharp early doors when doubling up on the right and did well to win the corner that led to the first. Everywhere all game and grafted like fuck second half having been injured for the last month. Seemed like him and Mo Salah had decided it was his night first half and Sadio didn’t need much persuading. Great movement, great finish for the second. Our best player and could have won it late on. Deserved to win.
Roberto Firmino: 7
Boss. Movement for the first was great, the finish was even better. Cheeky fucker for the second with the old “look over there as you hit it” trick. Love him.
Worked his plums off but didn’t have much to feed off second half. Part of the “deserved to win” forward squad. If I were them I would get myself in the bar in the hotel and fucking slaughter the rest of the mings in our team. Imagine their WhatsApp group. I’d get coats made, like the fucking T Birds.
Mo Salah: 6
Looked a little bit tired first half but still manages to have a one on one and probably should score. That said though, even Jesus had his off days, lad. It wasn’t fish and loaves every hour and healing the sick every other. He went on the ale with his mates loads. Should have come off earlier but understand why he stays on as last 10 he is in a couple of times.
Starts on plus 10, as would a maimed donkey (the type you see in one of them donkey sanctuaries on North West Tonight when the RSPCA raid them and lock everyone up for being horrible to donkeys) in contrast to that second-half performance from Moreno. Used the ball well.
As you would expect. Highs, lows and not much in between.
What’s the point?