Alright gang. You probably hadn’t noticed but I didn’t do the ratings on Saturday against Southampton and I didn’t half miss it. So, to make it up to myself I have been scoring stuff, everyday stuff, out of 10. It’s well better than, say, not scoring stuff. Here are the highlights:
This mouth ulcer: 10
It is the ultimate, the end of level baddy, the fucking Big Boss Man. I’ve had it about a week and it now looks like the impact zone of the comet that killed off the dinosaurs. A smouldering, snarling, hissing, demogorg. Can’t be bettered.
The pharmacist who sold me the first lot of mouth ulcer gear: 1
Fucking Chemical Ali, mate. Absolutely sold me a Mickey Finn. “Buy this, the ultimate in ulcer treatment, it is the best in the business.”
*Gets home, puts the first lot of mouth ulcer gear on, starts crying, nearly faints, ends up with a face like the fella at the end of Robocop who gets the tub of toxic juice poured on his head.*
Made it in his bath, the fucker. Rut of vinegar, road grit, magma and sulphuric acid. Gone through about four baths since production started.
It’s meant to put a small protective film like layer over the ulcer. I think it works by causing the greatest imaginable pain possible, so that you lose all feeling in any area remotely connected to your brain, or what normal ulcerative pain feels like.
Anyway. The Reds. Pre-match ratings prediction of 3-1 to the Mighty Reds.
Fucking hell. I mean, fucking hell. From the sublime to the ridiculous. It was pretty fucking obvious once Albie Moreno went full-on Albie Moreno that it was going to end 3-3 but to see it play out in all its glory was pretty fucking painful.
All of the questions asked of this Liverpool team were nicely showcased in the second half, there. All of the qualities of this Liverpool team were nicely showcased in the first half too, mind. Imagine playing upfront for us and looking at them bellends at the back take it in turns to absolutely fuck you, week on week.
Give me a lifetime of mouth ulcers over watching that second half play out again. Give me one big ulcer for a mouth if some cunt can slap the mistakes out of that defence.
That said, we are top of the group and play a team of divvies at home to go through. It’s not the end of the world. It’s just fucking excruciatingly frustrating.
They haven’t lost at home since Juventus, who reached the final, beat them there last year. Take some solace from that.
These Reds could beat anyone in this competition. They could also lose the return leg by more, by the way, but let’s not dwell on that.
Larius Karius: 6
Great save from Larry there at 1-0, his first for The Reds and his only one all game. Played well over all but conceded three goals. Gegged in on the holiday vibe with his short-sleeve shirt and then acted like he was in Magaluf by punching their lad in the head for nothing. Feel like I would be slagging Simon Mignolet if he had conceded three goals so you can have some too, knobhead.
Joey Gomez: 6
They tried to exploit him a few times with an early switch but realised he is better than Jockey Hansen and knocked it on the head. Mo Salah killed him for their shot into the side netting early doors.
Absolutely legged that ballboy grown man everywhere. He was about 35, the fucker. Clean shaven, mind. Under the cosh second half but defended well. I feel sorry for the three defenders who aren’t Moreno really.
Albie Moreno: 2
Pre-match fears about Albie realised, there. Will he get overexcited and go mental playing in front of his mates in his hometown? The signs in the first half were that he wouldn’t. Defended well in the main first half, aside from their second chance in a minute which was shite. Good tactical foul at 3-0 first half and topped it off by kidding everyone in the ground that he was going to head it clear while sneakily glancing it out for a corner.
Doubled down on that in the first minute of the second half by playing their lad in with another shite header, which by the way, was as good as it got. He had a competition with Tottenham Hotspur’s Degsi Lovren for the worst half an hour in a Liverpool shirt ever. Absolutely shambolic for the foul that led to their first. Miles out of position then makes up for it by lashing their lad over for the freekick. Have I won yet Degsi, no? Watch this then; pen.
Quite possibly the stupidest player I have ever seen play for Liverpool. Like a thief in a film who is trying to get on the straight and narrow. “Just when I thought I was out, they pulled me back in.” Can’t shake the idiot section of his brain. The best we can ever hope for is longer stretches of abnormal behaviour before he relapses into his true self.
Degsi Lovren: 6
Started where he left off against Southampton but then overlapped down the right wing at 1-0 with visions of ragging their defender like Luis Suarez but dribbled it out for their throw like Lovren. Once this distraction was fresh in his mind he followed it up with a typically mental five minutes that should have led to them being at least level.
That said, he played well overall. Feel sorry for him as he had a good game. Will know what Albie is going through as that was him last week. Who is up next in the great Reds bellend defender tombola 2017-18?
Rag Klavan: 6
Covered across behind Albie well, covered well in general. Should head the ball for their third instead of backing it. Tend to get a bit more purchase with your head.
Jordan Henderson: 6
Silly foul after 10. Busy, niggly, horrible to play against first half and great to have. Chasing shadows second half.
Adds fuel to the fire that he hasn’t, along with the rest of his teammates, got the capacity to get hold of the ball and relieve pressure when it isn’t going well for us. That may well be system based, mind you. Tried his best, and eight times out of 10 that is good enough. Not so tonight.
Gini Wijnaldum: 6
Did the bits. All of the bits that matter to make a successful midfield performance first half. Grafted second half, but looked tired. See Henderson above re taking the sting out of the game.
Phil Coutinho: 6
Made a show of pretty much all of their lads first half. Imagine trying to mark him. Get tight, he will roll you. Stand off, he will leg you or split your defence in half. One of the best. Anonymous second half, like pretty much everyone else.
Sadio Mane: 7
Sharp early doors when doubling up on the right and did well to win the corner that led to the first. Everywhere all game and grafted like fuck second half having been injured for the last month. Seemed like him and Mo Salah had decided it was his night first half and Sadio didn’t need much persuading. Great movement, great finish for the second. Our best player and could have won it late on. Deserved to win.
Roberto Firmino: 7
Boss. Movement for the first was great, the finish was even better. Cheeky fucker for the second with the old “look over there as you hit it” trick. Love him.
Worked his plums off but didn’t have much to feed off second half. Part of the “deserved to win” forward squad. If I were them I would get myself in the bar in the hotel and fucking slaughter the rest of the mings in our team. Imagine their WhatsApp group. I’d get coats made, like the fucking T Birds.
Mo Salah: 6
Looked a little bit tired first half but still manages to have a one on one and probably should score. That said though, even Jesus had his off days, lad. It wasn’t fish and loaves every hour and healing the sick every other. He went on the ale with his mates loads. Should have come off earlier but understand why he stays on as last 10 he is in a couple of times.
Starts on plus 10, as would a maimed donkey (the type you see in one of them donkey sanctuaries on North West Tonight when the RSPCA raid them and lock everyone up for being horrible to donkeys) in contrast to that second-half performance from Moreno. Used the ball well.
As you would expect. Highs, lows and not much in between.
What’s the point?
Pics: David Rawcliffe-Propaganda Photo
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Love Firmino’s work rate and attitude and it’s probably a bit churlish to criticise a player who scores two but his hold up play second half was shocking .
Just wishing him to hold it up and take the free kicks to relive pressure , instead he gave it away countless times with aimless flicks to no one.
Still I wouldn’t mind if our midfield had his application
Completely agree. Mane too backed off 2nd half.
To be fair to Mané, he just comes back from injury. But you got a point! Maybe Coutinho should have back up a little bit more as well. Or Can should have come on earlier.
He looked so tired last 15. Legs had gone. I think Klopp’s decision not to rest him for the last 10 -1 5 in recent games came home to roost. One great opening with about 5 to go and he looked at it and his body said “No”.
Really missed your ratings Johnno. Needed a fucking laugh.
He is freaking brilliant. These ratings are rapidly becoming my favorite thing about TAW.
Can’t just can’t rate Moreno – he is never a Liverpool player. Can’t believe Klopp hasn’t thought “fuck he could be a problem tonight. Maybe I will leave him out and just play Milly – even for the 2nd fucking half as he was on a booking! Hate just hammering one player but it was the Europa League all over again.
Again we succumb to inevitability. Should have offered them a truce and scored two deliberate own goals once they pulled their first back. From that moment it was clear we weren’t getting out with a win.
Moreno’s getting it bad everywhere, and for sure it was a bad one. A real chaotic performance. He’s not solely responsible though.
That second half was excruciatingly predictable and staggeringly naive from us. Fancy a proud, competent side not taking well to being pissed all over in the first half eh? Why could we not have just soaked it up for 15 minutes at the start of the second? If that Ben Yedder goal doesn’t go in when it does we’d have sorted it out and scored more. As it was we let them come at us and couldn’t keep them off.
I just wish that at 3-0 Rafa Benitez circa 2005-2009 could have taken charge and bored us for 45 minutes.
That’s exactly how I felt. But Klopp doesn’t know how to “take charge and bore us to death”. He only knows full throttle. Seriously though, is it the system or the players who can’t manage a match?
But when Klopp does “bore” us everyone complains “why play three in midfield” (e.g. against United) and “why doesn’t Henderson move further up the pitch more” (every time we don’t concede on the break).
This match would’ve been won had Moreno not made the mistakes he made. It’s individual errors again. Henderson’s poor game didn’t help either. In hindsight Klopp should’ve predicted Sevilla’s reaction after half time and Moreno’s state of mind (sevilla + new baby), but I’ve also read that their manager told their players he has cancer at half time – I don’t think there are many motivational tools that could have worked better on their players, whether intended or unintended. We often forget the human side of the game and the impact it has.
In the end I don’t think we’d have a accepted a loss at home to Spartak even if we’d won this game, so nothing changes there for LFC.
Lack of leadership. Weak mentality. Individual errors. No guidance or tactical guile from the bench. Rinse. Repeat ad nauseum. I guarantee every Liverpool fan expected that third goal in the 90th.
I love Klopp. I do. But I love LFC so much more. Klopp’s stubborness to see the -limited really- potential of some of our players costs us. For all their faults, Henderson, Firmino, Klavan, etc. keep running and fighting and trying to make an impact. Even Lovren and Mignolet, though not always.
But I’m infuriatingly tired of seeing a keeper who cannot even dive to catch the ball (Karius) or an uninterested and impassive player walking around (Can) or an absolute disgrace of a footballer and total moron (Moreno).
Klopp needs to get that sorted out and fast. He should start playing only those who are ready to fight for LFC. And when the time comes (January or summer tranfer windows) replace them with better ones.
Now let’s get ready for Chelski. YNWA
I like Albie, ouch !! Come roaring back you ice-cold-calm cool and collected little killer you … Leave Sevilla behind.
Ulcers, Albie and Johnno …
Mental game, great ratings, love the reds, just football.
Can anyone confirm the stats going round that Henderson only completed 55% of his passes and didn’t win a single tackle or aerial duel? Whether he’s a defensive midfielder or simply our deepest midfielder those stats if true are appalling. It’s all very well “bossing” it at home against Huddersfield but this is the Champions League against an actually good side. With the way we’re playing we desperately need someone in the Fernandinho mould to do the proper dirty work. Christ I wish we had a young Mascherano or we’d been in a position to go for Kante.
Recent shows, and in fairness our results, had been suggesting that we were evolving as a team and learning to manage various game situations better. However unlike Huddersfield and Southampton who shook hands at 3-0, Sevilla didn’t go out with a whimper. Tonight we crumbled as soon as they gained a bit of momentum until the result seemed inevitable once that corner was given. No leadership on and off the field to just keep it at 3-1- at least for longer than ten minutes. Until we go a few months without one of these results I don’t think you can say with any conviction that we’ve turned a corner.
Klopp knows that you can’t just bomb people out mid-season, but we can only pray that he’s prepped and ready to go in the transfer window. Somehow I doubt it.
Can anyone confirm the stats going round that Henderson only completed 55% of his passes and didn’t win a single tackle or aerial duel?
It’s true, according to the advanced stats people. So yeah, it’s woeful. How Hendo gets a 6 for that I’ll never know. Why is Hendo our 6 and not Can? Is Klopp sitting Can because he’s off to Juvy in January or next summer?
When I watch the game I watch Henderson a lot and his positioning as a DM is awful, he gets drawn out to the ball too much and vacates the critical space between him and the defence. His work rate and busyness cover up poor decisions and tactical awareness.
I think a lack of a quality DM exposes an already suspect defence even more
Great article again as usual from Ben. Quite a few laugh out loud parts. A bit generous with a couple marks but its alright. At the end of this shambles, we would still go through to the 2nd round.
Hopefully by that time next year when the CL is back, Klopp would have sorted us out for a CB or two. And hopefully, Leipzig could also be sound lads and give us Keita early.
I damn near spit the bit with”Larius Karius” ie “Larry” as he’s apparently now known. Hilarious shit, that, however disappointing this result. Milner on 10 minutes earlier would have shown some not-so-incredible foresight.
Hi Ben, Regarding your ulcer, ouch!!! You should’ve gone back to the Pharmacist and given the guy an ulcer for his troubles.
Anyways if you are still in agony then try anything from these suggestions:
What helps my ulcers (though not sure if I’ve had anything as drastic as what you’ve described) is gargling with baking soda and water. I have also drank baking soda and water to relieve my stomach ulcers to great effect. Beats the over-the-counter drugs and is the cheapest form of remedy. Hope it helps if you try it.
Re the team and ratings, most of it is spot on. Alberto Moreno to Alberto No-Braino in two halves. Will Klopp learn to shut up shop at 3-0? Does he know how to? Rafa seems like a great tactical genius on that front. He was a genius.
Anyways no use crying over the game. It’s done and dusted. Move on to the Plastics this weekend. We can still take them and we’re still in the CL.
Hope you feel better soon Ben.
Up the Reds!!
Unless you are consumed by blind faith over reality, its obvious this team needs to jib all other competitions besides the league if we are to compete for 4th and get the revenues needed to pay for the replacements needed for the players we couldn’t give away..Mignolet..Moreno..Klavan…Lovren…etc etc.
We aren’t a competitive force in Europe. We are struggling to compete for 4th.
We need the money.
Hang on, this is by the same person/people who were saying Moreno was world class 2 days ago.
See? He doesn’t change! Forget his ‘change’
In my mind, Migs gets down for the third. And even Konchesky doesn’t concede that chicken-headed pen.
Bobby. Thats it. Deseved a hattrick. The rest of the fuckers can fuck off. Well.. not really but should have been burried at 2-3. Missed opportunities.
Just imagining at a works do the Front Four go off and leave their Jackets on their chair backs. Wannabe lid ‘Larry’ sneaking one coat on, doing a little Bobby dance he’s practised, collar up etc….
Awful again cannot mask deficiencies. However, You’d have taken a draw beforehand, just the manner of the point…..
Agree on the ratings overall, but a bit generous to our midfield, to be honest. Except for heading the bal to Bobby for the first goal, I haven’t noticed much from Gini. Still can’t see what his role in this team is and once Lallana is fully fit, he has to be the first victim in our midfield. Henderson, on the other hand, had a fine first half. But he completely dissapeard with the rest in the second. Sorry, you can’t do that as a Liverpool captain! He has to be the one stepping up and try to rescue the sinking ship. His second half simply wasn’t good enough for Liverpool captian standards. Has to do better, simple!
And for Moreno: you saw this one coming, didn’t you? Klopp should have taken him off after he conceded the most stupid free kicks you ever see leading to the 1-3. He was an accident to happen ever since and it cost us dearly.