THE hair transplant derby.
I’ve been thinking about the process of stitching some hair from one part of your head onto another part of your head a fair bit, there.
As a baldy, there is nothing quite like a cold wind to have you harking back to the glory days of a full head of hair. Both managers have got one, haven’t they? Let’s kick this nonsense off by rating them.
Jürgen Kloppo: 7
Fairly decent effort from Kloppo, really. If you didn’t know you would think he was just a fella with a decent hairdo, going a bit thin in places, but that’s absolutely fine, isn’t it? It’s not too try hard, it looks a lot like normal hair.
Antonio Conte: Torn here. Reckon there’s a case for 0/10 and 10/10.
10/10 – I mean, it is fucking impressive, isn’t it? From a technical perspective. Have you seen the photos of him from his late playing days? Jesus, the Panini progression from it’s going a bit to full on baldy is desperate. His final seasons are worryingly sparse, like, “is he alright?” sparse.
The difference between then and now is like fucking night and day. It’s glossy, there’s absolutely loads of it, to the extent that he has to take a barber with him everywhere he goes. Go the Sainsbury’s; has a rest down the bean isle for a quick snip.
It’s almost too good. If it’s for real why doesn’t everyone go to his fella? Waxed Rooney’s looks like a spray-on Halloween cobweb special for fuck’s sake.
Was it a one time only deal? Did this fella source his materials from a fucking unicorn’s tail? I’m not having it, lad. It’s a fucking wig, isn’t it? No harm in that. We just want the truth. I bet you no fucker has ever seen him swimming, have they?
0/10 lad, good effort, mind.
Anyway, these Reds, these Reds who chose the best possible moment in our upcoming 20-game unbeaten streak to have a bad half, these Reds are going to piss it, rotated side or not.
Pre-match ratings prediction of 3-1 The Reds. Stitch that fucker, stitch it right on your fucking head.
Si Miggy: 6
Made a good save, got screamed at by The Kop which is absolutely fair. From where I was looked shite for their goal but in fairness I was at the other end of the ground and had my “Migno is shite” gigs on.
Hazard squares to Willian across the middle, then Brazilian dribbles into the corner of the box and lobs Mignolet with a sumptuous chip (or was it a cross??). 1-1. #CFC pic.twitter.com/uiILbOcbkM
— Chelsea GIFs (@ChelseaGIFs) 25 November 2017
Joe Gomez: 7
Does well. As per. Can’t think of anything else. Jacko is fuming about him getting caught under the ball, once, the fucking auld arse.
Klavan Klein: 7
Generally covers well, is probably better than he is given credit for, which isn’t hard as he is given no credit whatsoever.
Joel Matip: 6
Does alright: tried to grab his man in the second half when he was on the break but missed him and ended up looking like a cross between a stickman and coat stand.
Albie Moreno: 8
Covers well when they were on the break first 10. Did a boss foul throw which threw everyone a Mickey Finn first half. Probably our best player on the day, even tried to head one in our own box with the inside of his calf, which was interesting.
Jordan Hendo: 5
Started well but then Eden Hazard must have read some internet reviews after 10 minutes as he spent the rest of the first half legging him everywhere. Part of the hardest-working band in the world. They’ve got no hits, mind you. Struggled all day long, is starting to develop the knack of being in the wrong place at the wrong time which is obviously worrying.
James Milner: 5
Had his own give the ball away festival for five minutes in the first half, which Chelsea lapped up and should have took advantage of. Thought he was poor, slow in possession slow out of possession, generally slow.
Phil Coutinho: 6
Fits and starts today. Not sure he offers enough in centre mid when we are up against a good team.
Mo Salah: 8
Stronger than all the oxes. Our most dangerous player first half. Scores though, doesn’t he lad? Like all the time, like every fucking week. Pissed off with his non celebration. Should have got his cock out.
Dan Sturridge: 6
Started well. A presence first 10. Then just kept getting it and turning back and two, like a fella in a rush for the bus who has just left the house and can’t remember if he has left the iron on. Will be effective again at some point. It might be in the masters though, which is a shame.
Alex Oxlade-Chambo: 7
Offered a glimmer of hope first half by beating his man a few times. But it was just a glimmer. Like that Smiths’ song in the end; “there is a light that is probably gunna go out”. Felt like he was on to save the legs of our better players on the bench, which he probably was in fairness.
Fucking hell. What subs? Twenty minutes too late.
Pics: David Rawcliffe-Propaganda Photo
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Salah didn’t celebrate to respect the people slaughtered in Egypt. You get your cock out but give some respect.
You’re right. I’m sure Johno like myself didn’t put 2 and 2 together but I reckon you are spot on.
Only one man responsible today: Jurgen Klopp. His tactics and subs didn’t make any sense at all today! Conté was ten times smarter than him today, simple fact! Chelsea got 1-0 down, what does Conté do? Brings in Fabregas min. 74, Pedro min. 77, Willian min. 83. Two minutes later, the latter scores! What does Jürgen? He let ten of his eleven starters play for 89 minutes, some of them were running out of gas for half an hour. Once Chelsea scored, you knew they would come after us. And they did! If you are a manager in England for two years and still don’t know your opponet tactisc you are either not good enough or you don’t do your homework properly. It happes too often and it happens only to us…
1o time smarter but still ended up with the same one point, even with Hazard on their team.
Agree the subs being so late was frustrating again though, although apparently he’d meant to bring them on earlier but the ref wouldn’t let him or something. But there’s always the nagging suspicion that we could’ve lost also had he made the subs earlier. That their goal was lucky is the most frustrating part.
Some reports say he didn’t celebrate due to rerror atrachs in Egypt mate nowt to do with opposition.
Makes me laugh every time – don’t give a shit about the ratings – got me cock out
Thought Moreno, Salah, and Chamberlain were our three standout players. Rest of backline and Migs good enough. Midfield 3 below par.
Game was decided by managers use of subs. Conte’s spot on… Klopp non-existent, despite our bench having all kinds of options. I told my son on 75 that we needed fresh legs. Coutinho was cooked. I just don’t get his use of subs, or lack of use?
Henderson a five and Ox a seven? Not having it. 95% of players up against Hazard end up chasing him at some point and AOC, though willing, hasn’t done enough in this match. Both a six.
Albie was more than decent today. Given his midweek calamity and facing a good side, while we had a few second stringers out, makes his performance more than creditable. Well done lad. Less said about Henderson the better.
Agreed with comment on Albie. Maybe he will be rested at Stoke mid week and give Robertson a chance (and calm some fans rooting for Robertson to start all season).
My Christmas wish is to bring in one solid Controller (to set the tempo, to organize, to lead) to the team and use Hendo as a squad player. Hendo would be an upgrade to Millie.
With JUST ONE player like Souness, Carra, Hamman, or Masherano in this team, we would never have let Seville or Chelski equalize against us.
Haha, Souness, Carra, Hamman, Masch??? Keep wishing Josh. :) Yeah I do too.
I know, Sash, I know.
Btw, I noticed StevieG made a similar comment about Carra on BT post match. I just saw it on YouTube. (Maybe he saw my comment here :))
Conte had to be more proactive with his subs as he picked a very negative midfield three & they only looked dangerous when he changed it. I can’t comment on Henderson or Moreno anymore as I can’t be subjective on either.
Henderson is now an exercise in intellectual masturbation. He’s not awful but he’s not great. He’s just a semi-decent footballer being asked to play a very difficult position for this manager and doing his best- that may be good enough for top 4 (it was last year) but it’s not good enough to go further. Queue someone defending him and stating how those who aren’t that into him just don’t understand football.
No, I think you’re spot on. Good player, sometimes excellent in that right midfield role that Brendan used to assign him, but lacking a bit of composure for the no.6. You’re right, in that it’s a very difficult role. He’d no doubt do better with a Didi or Matic alongside. Too much over the top criticism but it doesn’t help to over praise him either. Good, solid player, good enough for Liverpool (or any of the other top 6 – see Drinkwater, Herrera, Fellaini, Delph, Ramsey, Coquellin etc) but not exceptional.
I think that the last two games have shown that when we’re up against opposition of similar (or even more depending on your viewpoint) quality to ourselves, then Henderson in this system just doesn’t have the skilset to play in that role- especially without a lot of help from the other midfielders. 0 tackles across these last two games tells me that he hasn’t been able to deal with the opposition and he’s been left looking quite aimless.
Have no problem with him starting in that role against Southampton and Huddersfield at home though. It would be nice to see him as you say in a role similar to that which Rodgers deployed him in- is their a question mark over his physical capability though? His energy in 13/14 was incredible and it’s a shame if we won’t see that again.
If we had Kante as our #6 today and against Saville, we would have been able to protect the lead, easily.
Their goal might have been lucky AF, but only because it was a Sunday League goal from a professional against a GD Sunday League keeper. Achterberg can go on all he wants about playing a forward line, and the difficulties of making the jump to the elite teams, but he can fuck right off with it when it comes to Big Si. Shit, are we even really “elite” anymore – I know we are, Jesus top 5 of the best league in the world – doesn’t feel that way this week mates.
Hi Ben, thanks for the ratings. Amusing as usual, though they mean fuck-all. ;)
I really enjoyed the game, always do when we play against the Plastics.
Unfortunately, the equalizer is all that mattered for them, and us, as we dropped two points (again). It was a lucky goal by Willian at 85, though the subs Conte made seemed to create more problems and it did look as though they immediately had their tails up.
We also did not bury some of the chances early on, mis-controlling, slipping, etc. No shots on target until the 50-55 minute?!?!?! WTF!
Someone needs to set an alarm clock to remind him to sub more than one player, before the 8- th minute. I think his timing of the subs cost the two points.
When we had the foot on Chelsea’s throat at 65, he should/could have unleashed Mane. Chelsea weren’t expecting that goal from Salah which was brilliantly taken, and worked by the Reds. (Very considerate of Salah to not make a show of it, seeing that 305+ people where blown up and shot to death in his country in one go.)
Some will moan that we could have lost, etc, but Mane was not coming back from injury or illness was he? He had a full tank raring to go. I think he would have added some pressure had he come on earlier, Lallana too, as there would have been enough time, even at 70, as Fabregas came on 5 minutes later. Anyways, Conte gambled, and it paid off.
Whenever Fabregas comes on, even in past matches, I always get the sense he has something to offer whether it is foul/nasty business, pass or goal, he has that kind of effect, which I loathe and worry about at the same time, when we play them. Same with Pedro.
Milner looked spent, and so did Coutinho, but why fucking wait until they are spent. The subs in the 89th minute, granted the referee took his time to acknowledge, simply seemed like a foregone conclusion.
I’m not sure Gini offered much in this game, as he went back into the bottle again.
And poor Henderson will never recover from accepting a position that isn’t suited to his abilities — forget the arm band, as that is another albatross around his neck — still, he tries and works hard, so please add two more points to his ratings for that.
Moreno gave his best despite the mistakes from the last game. Proud to see him steady himself. Hey, it’s the best I can hope for, other than maybe a left back to replace him that is in the mold of Roberto Carlos — still think he has potential as an attacking winger.
Klavan did his job, as did Matip and Gomez, so very happy to see the defense not have to take it on the chin again. Migs’ positioning looked suspect for that goal, but sometimes you just can’t save them. He did good otherwise.
Not sure what the Ox is doing at Liverpool, but always encouraged to see him play.
Anyways, roll on to the next game.
Up the Reds!!!
We definitely and desperately need a new #6. Can, if he stays, maybe able to develop into that role # but we really need a world class #6.
And Hendo can join Gini, Lallana and the new signing from Guinea to rotate for the more forward box to box role. (And Millie can join another Italian team for a free transfer :)
You have a point there with Can, if he stays. I just think Hendo is out of his depth in the #6 role. Poor guy has really been through the ringer these days, and it is not ending any time soon.
Depending on how this season shapes up, he might well be moved on next summer if Keita and maybe others come in. His game in other positions has not developed due to where he is stuck in.
If I was him I would leave and find a club and manager who know and can play to his strengths. Jurgen’s too stubborn or scared to try something different with him or some of the other players at this stage of his reign.
A good point, Sash. But I still would like to see Hendo/Gini can play part of midfield 3, ahead of the #6 especially for tough away games ie against Chelsea or Champions League final against Barca (for example :).
We nearly won the league in 13/14 with Hendo and Allen head of StevieG in diamond formation, so Hendo can’t be that bad. Just not good enough to be our first choice #6.
That syrup makes him look like Davy Jones out of the Monkees.
Still embarrassed for Henderson…. his mommy has to tell us how good he is… coz his football is so rubbish
Got me cock out listening to ‘There is a light that is probably gonna’ go out’. On the match tho’, Chelsea are a much better side than we all imagine in our heads, seem to outplay us as regularly at Anfield as we’ve done to them at the Bridge for the last year or two. Annoyed by the subs but not the line up too much with so many games coming up. Big Mo though!!!! especially in the light of the horror in Egypt. Would’ve been more than understandable if he’d have pulled out today. It’s only football. All the best.
How do hair transplants work though in regard to when the non-bald parts keep growing? Surely the hair that is put on top of the bald part doesn’t keep growing post- ‘plant, does it? I’m confused, I’m imagining a really complicated trip to the hairdresser “Just ‘round the sides please, and whatever you do, Don’t touch the top bit”. If the top part doesn’t actually grow, and the transplant-ee gets a bit lazy and just lets the rest grow, does he then get that ‘thin on top, long at the sides ‘70’s sex offender/ Linda McCartney ‘do’? (Nothing against Linda by the way….apart from her atrocious Wings era hair that is).
Can’t stand him but migs did well today. Can’t really fault him for the fluke of a goal.
Made up for albie, and glad that he started.
Don’t worry. It’s only a matter of time before Firmino whips it out. He’s been warming up to it for about two seasons now, trying to get a sense of the how the refs will take it.
Outside of hometown chickenheadedness, Albie Moreno has been arguably the most consistent performer all season. Think on that.
Alexo-Oxlado-Chambo-Rambo turned down Chelsea for the Reds. Gets an extra point for sharing our funhouse mirror vision of the club.
If that goal actually was the intended cross, there are two Chelsea attackers waiting unmarked to pounce. What the hell is Matip doing besides watching Migs miss the ball? I have been willing myself to believe that Matip is fantastic, but unlike Kurt Cobain in Come As You Are, my will is not good at the moment. Same for Hendo, sadly.
Was Milner always THAT slow?
RIP, Kurt Cobain.
And yes, Millie is that slow, I noticed that in 4-1 loss against Spurs in Wembly when he didn’t tried but was to slow in tracing back Spurs’ Son for the goal.
Jurgen please please stop picking Sturridge, it’s painful to watch and he’s a waste of a shirt…
Isn’t it about time to give Solanke a go, what has this kid done to deserve this?.
First he leaves Chelsea as he knows his first team chances are limited then he comes here and finds his first teams chances are limited and what’s more they are limited by a bloke who doesn’t want to or has forgotten how to run.
Maybe Hendo has the biggest cock and that’s why he’s captain, even though He doesn’t have the biggest balls…
Just cos we sign young players like Solanke, Robertson, etc, don’t mean the manager has them in his plans.
Sturbridge is ideal for last 30 and no more at this stage of his rehab. He’s still a dangerous match winner in short bursts when the game stretches and opens up.