THE hair transplant derby.
I’ve been thinking about the process of stitching some hair from one part of your head onto another part of your head a fair bit, there.
As a baldy, there is nothing quite like a cold wind to have you harking back to the glory days of a full head of hair. Both managers have got one, haven’t they? Let’s kick this nonsense off by rating them.
Jürgen Kloppo: 7
Fairly decent effort from Kloppo, really. If you didn’t know you would think he was just a fella with a decent hairdo, going a bit thin in places, but that’s absolutely fine, isn’t it? It’s not too try hard, it looks a lot like normal hair.
Antonio Conte: Torn here. Reckon there’s a case for 0/10 and 10/10.
10/10 – I mean, it is fucking impressive, isn’t it? From a technical perspective. Have you seen the photos of him from his late playing days? Jesus, the Panini progression from it’s going a bit to full on baldy is desperate. His final seasons are worryingly sparse, like, “is he alright?” sparse.
The difference between then and now is like fucking night and day. It’s glossy, there’s absolutely loads of it, to the extent that he has to take a barber with him everywhere he goes. Go the Sainsbury’s; has a rest down the bean isle for a quick snip.
It’s almost too good. If it’s for real why doesn’t everyone go to his fella? Waxed Rooney’s looks like a spray-on Halloween cobweb special for fuck’s sake.
Was it a one time only deal? Did this fella source his materials from a fucking unicorn’s tail? I’m not having it, lad. It’s a fucking wig, isn’t it? No harm in that. We just want the truth. I bet you no fucker has ever seen him swimming, have they?
0/10 lad, good effort, mind.
Anyway, these Reds, these Reds who chose the best possible moment in our upcoming 20-game unbeaten streak to have a bad half, these Reds are going to piss it, rotated side or not.
Pre-match ratings prediction of 3-1 The Reds. Stitch that fucker, stitch it right on your fucking head.
Si Miggy: 6
Made a good save, got screamed at by The Kop which is absolutely fair. From where I was looked shite for their goal but in fairness I was at the other end of the ground and had my “Migno is shite” gigs on.
— Chelsea GIFs (@ChelseaGIFs) 25 November 2017
Joe Gomez: 7
Does well. As per. Can’t think of anything else. Jacko is fuming about him getting caught under the ball, once, the fucking auld arse.
Klavan Klein: 7
Generally covers well, is probably better than he is given credit for, which isn’t hard as he is given no credit whatsoever.
Joel Matip: 6
Does alright: tried to grab his man in the second half when he was on the break but missed him and ended up looking like a cross between a stickman and coat stand.
Albie Moreno: 8
Covers well when they were on the break first 10. Did a boss foul throw which threw everyone a Mickey Finn first half. Probably our best player on the day, even tried to head one in our own box with the inside of his calf, which was interesting.
Jordan Hendo: 5
Started well but then Eden Hazard must have read some internet reviews after 10 minutes as he spent the rest of the first half legging him everywhere. Part of the hardest-working band in the world. They’ve got no hits, mind you. Struggled all day long, is starting to develop the knack of being in the wrong place at the wrong time which is obviously worrying.
James Milner: 5
Had his own give the ball away festival for five minutes in the first half, which Chelsea lapped up and should have took advantage of. Thought he was poor, slow in possession slow out of possession, generally slow.
Phil Coutinho: 6
Fits and starts today. Not sure he offers enough in centre mid when we are up against a good team.
Mo Salah: 8
Stronger than all the oxes. Our most dangerous player first half. Scores though, doesn’t he lad? Like all the time, like every fucking week. Pissed off with his non celebration. Should have got his cock out.
Dan Sturridge: 6
Started well. A presence first 10. Then just kept getting it and turning back and two, like a fella in a rush for the bus who has just left the house and can’t remember if he has left the iron on. Will be effective again at some point. It might be in the masters though, which is a shame.
Alex Oxlade-Chambo: 7
Offered a glimmer of hope first half by beating his man a few times. But it was just a glimmer. Like that Smiths’ song in the end; “there is a light that is probably gunna go out”. Felt like he was on to save the legs of our better players on the bench, which he probably was in fairness.
Fucking hell. What subs? Twenty minutes too late.