JUST switched on as their team was flashing up on BT. It would appear that they are playing a ’60s soul band upfront, so let’s hope Heaven is indeed missing an angel and it is wearing burnt orange or whatever the fuck colour our kit is.
It’s also a nice touch that BT have got the old Pro Evolution commentary gang back together, probably as a consequence of their ground, fans, team name and kit looking like it’s straight out of the Master League Division Two. That takes me back to a childless existence, sitting in my bills, hungoverly winning leagues instead of going to work. Glory Days.
Anyway, pre-match rating prediction is an easy 3-0 win for The Reds, ratings heavy on nines and a big fat man of the match 10 for Henderson, mainly for internet-based needle.
The Reds won 7-0, which has frankly been coming since August; a bit like Sting. The overwhelming feeling is one of relief that someone has finally took a hiding and The Reds can march into Sunday’s game against Tottenham Hotspur with a spring in their step and confidence coursing through their veins. If Saturday’s result against the Mancs felt like The Reds correcting their wayward course, this felt like them opening their sails and making up for some lost ground. Bring on your Internazionale, eh.
Larius Karius: 7
Took some boss photos in the warmup. Smart save down to his right early doors. Weirdly popped up at left back for a bit, out of nowhere, possibly through a worm hole. Had probably the best set of ‘keeper gloves the world has ever seen. Might get some for winter. Smartly out of his box for a clearance suggesting he is able to concentrate on something other than social media. Did nothing wrong except wear a short sleeve top. Well in.
Trent Alexander-Arnold: 7
Aggressively ineffective in his pressing early doors. Lost three points for wearing boots the colour of a wham bar. That said, he can’t half cross it, did nothing really wrong and scored again, off a deflected handball. The best of goals. Imagine being him.
Joel Matip: 7
Sloppy for the Karius save. Other than that he did alright. If you want more than this I’ve got nothing but a bit of a Partridge shoulder shrug really.
Degsy Lovren: 7
Ten minutes gone — sweating profusely. Can’t really think why. Must be wearing a bin bag underneath his top to lose a bit of timber. The keepy up and chest in the second half with a view to a top bin overhead kick gained him a point for its ambition but lost two for its execution. One of them Degsy, isn’t it?
Albie Moreno: 8
He’s great at that late overlapping run into their box, isn’t he? Pressed well, boss for the fourth one that Mo Salah and Bobby Firmino shared. He looks born again and not in the God bothering way, although, that would be interesting to see all the same; bouncing round in a pair of slacks, bible in his top pocket. That said, his brain repair malfunctioned back to 2015 for a minute on about 80 minutes when he tried to score a volley from behind the main stand, but that’s probably just muscle memory.
Emre Can: 7
Deeper, much preferred role for Emre. Started by giving it away with aplomb every time he touched it. Grew into the game, worked hard, looked massive, carried on giving the ball and fouls away in the second half but in fairness did a great lie down to win a freekick.
Gini Wijnaldum: 7
Came off on 75 minutes, I checked my notes to write this up and realised I had none. Says it all about Gini really. He does loads of work that you don’t really notice and does nothing that wrong that you do notice.
James Milner: 8
Great movement and good attacking intent. Brilliant run and intelligent pull back for Phil Coutinho’s goal, which frankly is only to be expected. A lovely insight into what he can offer on the pitch. I think his movement and game intelligence is up there with the best in our squad. Could do with finding him on the pitch more often. I realise this isn’t fashionable, but then what is? Double denim? Absolutely.
Mo Salah: 9
Does great for the first where he is Grease Lightning on the break to press their lad. His movement is so difficult to defend against. He is the business, an elite-level forward. Scored a boss goal and a half, a constant threat and got an extra point for getting took off and saving his legs.
Phil Coutinho: 9
Clearly fabulous. A bit like cheating. Great finish when it’s so easy to lash it over, a better ball in for Firmino’s second and a half. The Tavares Angel. Immaculate.
Roberto Firmino: 9
Great movement for the first goal. Actually does well to check his run as the ball is slightly behind him. Cracking assist for the King of Egypt’s goal. Everything you want from a centre forward really. How many did he score? Two, two and a half, three? A centre forward’s display, make no mistake.
Dan Sturridge/Dom Solanke/Alex Oxlade-Chambo: 6
All three seemed to find it difficult to get into it, were snatching at the ball and seemed to be lacking a bit of rhythm, until Dan Sturridge showed his undoubted class to play in Chambo, who slotted well. Look like three lads who need minutes without knowing exactly where they are coming from.
Gloriously nostalgic. Jim Beglin loves James Milner, doesn’t he? Can someone box it so that these lads talk me through my everyday life?
Pics: David Rawcliffe-Propaganda Photo
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One of the best match ratings in a while, pissing myself here.
In total agreement. I think I’ve also pissed myself.
Thanks a lot, Ben.
A bit like Sting.
Worth getting here earlier just for that line.
As for the Sting tantric sex thing, it’s not anything special; just that once past 47 you can’t feel your knob and can last forever. Ian McCullogh was wrong on that one.
Tantric sex is like waiting for a plumber.
You stay in all day but nobody comes.
Yes! More Ben jonno
Sturridge pass for Ox goal was world class.
Larias Karius is kinda cool, too.
Still laughing as I type this … that Karius wormhole Hahahaha
Actually funny, well written fella.
Great ratings but a Sting tantric sex joke? Is it 1995 already?
Lovren’s Frank Worthington impression was quite the thing. I think we just have to accept he’s a bit of a weirdo: great against United, panicking early doors against Maribor. He doesn’t half get rattled easily for a centre half. I’m all for pessimists but not sure we need Corporal Jones in the long term.
Love it, Jonno. Especially the reference to the “Partridge shoulder shrug” – magnificent.