Here’s five thoughts on the football match that’s just happened.
1) The Anfield Wrap’s Rob Gutmann is on holiday
My normal pre-match routine is to spend about an hour listening to Rob talk about The Human League while his children try to kill each other. But the selfish bastard has gone on holiday — so I had to read a programme instead.
It was mostly awful, and all about football, but then I saw there was a Q and A with Mamadou Sakho and I got quite excited.
At last, I thought.
Now I’ll get answers to the questions that keep me up at night — which version of Hounds of Love does he prefer*, what’s his favourite Only Fools and Horses episode**, and what’s the largest animal he reckons he could throw over the net from the service line on a tennis court***.
But no, they just asked him a load of questions about football instead.
What a waste of time.
* I reckon it’s the Futureheads one
** I reckon it’s the Chandelier One
*** I reckon he thinks that you shouldn’t throw animals that far but will then say Koala Bear and laugh his head off.
2) The New Main Stand
It’s been a while since we’ve had a game at Anfield and you can see the work that’s been put in since we were last here. With not much left to play for on the pitch, this now represents the backdrop for the rest of the season — gradually we’ll get to see a new section of the stand unveiled and, eventually, the finished product will reveal itself before us.
Basically, it’s the worst episode of Catchphrase ever and could really do with a little fella that looks like he’s having a wank next to a snake to liven it up.
3) Some bloke
During the first half, Dembele fouled Emre Can and some bloke behind me shouted: “That’s a yellow card by the name of the law!”
By the name of the law?
I turned round expecting to see a Victorian policeman blowing his whistle but there was just a normal fella there who probably meant to say “letter of the law” instead.
I couldn’t stop thinking about for about 20 minutes
4) In-depth football analysis
I thought Martin Skrtel was brilliant today. He should not play more often — by which I mean all the time.
5) This is the last point
The game ends in a well-earned draw and, bizarrely, we all walk out to She Sells Sanctuary by The Cult playing on the Anfield PA.
I say “bizarrely” because I’ve never really associated She Sells Sanctuary with a draw. It doesn’t feel right and, I’ll be honest, I think the Anfield DJ has really fucked this up and should receive a disciplinary hearing.
Land of Confusion by Genesis — that’s a draw song.
Anyway, I left the ground and made my way through the car park in Priory Road. Just in front of me there was a Spurs fan with his young son and, suddenly, he bent down to pick up a discarded ticket on the floor.
He gave it to his son and said,
“Here you go, a souvenir ticket so you can remember the day.”
His eyes lit up — a bit like that time I got a bike for Christmas when I was seven.
But then he studied the ticket, and his face dropped — a bit like that time I realised I didn’t know how to ride a bike when I was seven.
“I think this is for the Liverpool end,” he said to his dad,
“It doesn’t matter,” his father reassured him, “stick it on your wall when you get home and, in the future, it will always remind you of the day.”
The conversation continued like this for about two more minutes — a slightly disappointed child and a father doing his best to make him happy.
What a good dad, I thought. He’ll have a good future this kid
It was only then that it occurred to me — why didn’t you keep hold of your own fucking tickets?
I’m glad they’re not going to win the league.
Up the Reds