You should know how this works now – a football match takes place, we win, and I have five thoughts.
So make a cup of tea, or even better a milkshake, and give me four minutes of your time.
1) The day got off to a weird start when a fella next to me in a hotel put melon on his full English.
I couldn’t quite believe what I was seeing so, because I’m 45 years old and incredibly mature, I waited till he went to get an orange juice so I could take a photo of it. Here it is:
Note: He didn’t have bacon either, and I can definitely confirm there was some available.
I have to admit that, up to this point, I was fully intending to vote to stay in the EU. But now I’ve seen what could happen to our breakfasts I’m full on Brexit from here.
2) Prior to the game I listened to Scott 4 by Scott Walker about five times and by the time I arrived at the ground my mood was, shall we say, somewhat aloof. While everyone else was foaming at the mouth and ready to explode, I was regretting that I’d come out without a velvet smoking jacket.
And then I saw Marouane Fellaini and I wanted to invade Belgium.
3) I wasn’t sure if it was penalty or not for our first goal. I asked Rob Gutmann’s six-year-old son at half time and he confirmed it was because “the Man United player tried to strangle Clyne’s head”.
He hasn’t done any refereeing courses, as far as I know, but his opinion will definitely do for me.
4) I’ve worked out what’s so weird about those officials behind the goal — they don’t have anything to do with their hands.
I think they should be allowed to smoke or something, or have a little flag so they can wave to their mate at the other end. Otherwise they just look like a couple of fellas waiting for someone to invent a smart phone.
5) The second goal went in and the place goes bananas. Everyone twirls their scarves above their head and even a flare goes off in the Main Stand — the strangest thing I’ve seen since someone had a melon on his full English.
As I walked out the ground, I passed one of those old fellas, one of those “seen it all types” that can’t write a shopping list without invoking Shankly:
Bastion of Invincibility
Team from Mars
Fun-size pack of Mars
As everyone was getting carried away with their own excitement and cheer, he wisely surveyed the impudence of youth before him and declared: “It’s only half time. Remember, it’s only half time.”
What a prick, I thought. It’s full time and we won 2-0.
Up the Reds.