Welcome to the second edition of this column which Gareth has catchily tilted ‘Five from Fitzgerald’.
If you don’t know how it works, I’ll quickly explain — I have five thoughts about the game and then list them here.
Just like this.
1) If Jane Austen had gone to Liverpool away games rather than write about romantic misadventure in the 18th Century she probably would’ve have started one of her novels with this:
“It is a truth universally acknowledged that, irrespective of where you start your journey, it will always take you fucking ages to get to Selhurst Park.”
And she’d be right.
For those that have never been, Selhurst Park is in that part of London that can’t be bothered with the tube — denying you that basic London right of being able to speed around underground before bobbing your head up when you’re ready.
Instead, you have to work to get there, toiling in plain sight on a collection of transport providers.
Eventually you get there, bedraggled and jet lagged — thousands of thousand yard stares arriving from their disparate routes and journeys to join you. You walk past the programme seller that looks a bit like Dirk Kuyt and works just as hard, and you head straight for the sanctuary of your seat — to complete your journey and prove to yourself that it actually exists.
You’re beaten already — memories of previous battles and the pain of what you’ve just been through coalesce to create despair. You’d happily take a score draw and a hot bath if both were offered, actually if either were offered.
And then it happens, just when you thought all fight had gone — just when you’d given up.
The cheerleaders come out, followed by a lacklustre display of falconry and that bloody awful Dave Clarke Five song.
This is how they’ve chosen to represent themselves before you.
Rightly so, you have a word with yourself.
And the words are simple:
“Keep your score draws and hot baths — lets’s beat these pricks in their middle-of-nowhere home”
2) I didn’t really concentrate on the first half because I was distracted by a fella in front of me who had a hot cross bun sticking out of his pocket the whole time.
I told The Anfield Wrap’s Phil Blundell about it and I think it affected him too to be honest.
We both really love hot cross buns.
3) The fella in front of me ate his hot cross bun at half time, forcing me to watch the football instead.
When Palace scored, one of their fans pointed at our end, mimed the internationally recognised gesture for performing oral sex on a woman, and then mouthed: “That’s me and your mum.”
It’s not often you see mime anymore. I guess the developments in media and digital technology have rendered it a redundant art form.
Fair play to him for trying to get it going again.
4) I couldn’t really see as getting back in the game until we went down to 10 men and their goalkeeper gave us the ball.
Suddenly, a flare went off and the Palace fans were no longer glad all over. You see, that’s the problem with having a song called Glad All Over as your anthem — sometimes you’re not and, instead, you look like a bunch of lads who wished The Dave Clarke Five had released a song called “Keeper, Just Fucking Launch It!”.
They didn’t though.
5) That linesman must have had a bet on 2-1.
I’ve never seen anyone more determined to give a penalty. I thought his arm was going to fall off and his head explode at one point.
Anyway, Christian Benteke scores and amidst the madness I cast a glance towards the mime artist in the Palace end. He was already on his way, dejected and beaten, no doubt off to find consolation in his own mum for a change.
Well, it is Mother’s Day after all.
Up the Jane Austen Reds.
“programme seller that looks a bit like Dirk Kuyt and works just as hard” ~ excellent description, Martin, as descriptive as a certain Mr Fitzgerald’s the Great Gatsby :)
Bobby looks overweight in the picture above. If he is that ‘wide’ he could surely have blocked the Palace goal for sure.
He jumped out the way quite nimbly for a fat bloke
haha. Had he not scored the equalizer I would not have forgiven this fat bloke for his nimbly hop.
Hilarious brilliant piece, loved it
Did u see the fella behind the dugout in a flecky tracksuit, perm and fake moustache. He even did the ‘calm down’ thing. Hilarious was him.
I’m liking “Five from Fitzgerald”. Though I must admit to being influenced by mentions of hot cross buns.
It’s great to have some decent comic football writing for a change. Makes a change from blokes in the pub taking the whole thing far too seriously. Football’s not that important, despite what Shankly said, but having a bloody good laugh is.
‘When Palace scored, one of their fans pointed at our end, mimed the internationally recognised gesture for performing oral sex on a woman, and then mouthed “That’s me and your mum”.’
Ahahaha! All of the lols. They probably deserved the points after that.
All sorts of awesome article. Who doesn’t love a hot cross bun?
Oh nostalgia, you (it?) sometimes just shock me. It’s like nostalgia was a beautiful lady (of the night? Maybe.) just shoved her hand down my pants and showed me something wonderful. No, she leaves me not with satisfaction but rather hope that our German with a sense of humor (wtf? Apparently they do exist) has that same magic that Rafa did. Take a glance at that man’s CV cuz it’s elite. World class. 2 LA liga titles at a Valencia club possibly more dysfunctional than H&G. Oh and a Champions League winners medal. And a second appearance in the CL. That he made Liverpool the most feared team in continental Europe (Inter, Barca, Milan and Madrid all steam rolled). Hell, Rafa was the only manager able to play Fergies mind games. Neither of them covered themselves in glory there.
Now to the game. This game. This madness and that has enveloped the club. We have Jurgen Klopp as our manager. We have some seriously talented players. We have responsible owners who genuinely seem to like running the club. And the fans. Oh, that’s coming back. I live in the good ol’ Capital of the Free World but I truly understand the circumstances around the protest. Tribalism would probably keep me in my imaginary seat and then I would have watched us cock it all up. that 08/09 team was the best Liverpool squad I’ve ever seen. Gerrard Torres Carra Javier Mascherano (still got his official Jersey. If he really played…it’s so itchy.) Reina and Alonso, dear God we were better than United that year but the Prem demands every point you can get). We had Benayoun. He was absolutely phenomenonal that year. And it got me thinking about those names and that beautiful football and Rafa and CL nights (5hrs behind = absolutely pissed (yes as in drunk) and that turn against Arsenal along with Inter, their draws dropped) saw Stevie put in a goal that no one will ever repeat, no one has that right leg vision guile or intelligence. They was a great year. Due to the fact that soccer wasn’t show back then, I still have those biggest 09 games on divx. Yes. Madrid. Yes Torres vs Porto and yes the goal fest that was Besiktas.
But all that aside. That year let me have the belief we were never out of a game. To never give up the watching in the final minutes. Mostly this was Benayoun. He was, for that year, magic. But those world class players always gave me hope. I told my mate (do you call a girl that?) that we needed this game like we need Alonso back. Back to back games that showed our lads what Klopp wants.
Klopp is sharp. He’s not trying to recreate Dortmund herre. We have our own wondering identity, but that’s first off to the fans we are showing what we bring, and as new part of The Liverpool Way. A holy trinity, supporters world wide, s world class manager, imperfect owners who listen to the fans and are actually chipping away at our endemic financial cluster f**K. But fsg has money make no mistake, and investing that money in Liverpool FC is going to give them a better return than lavishing all the money on them Bo’ Sox. The players, whatever their short comings, have started to put in Kuyt like shifts. But going down to 10 I thought that most important win was gone. That the game we needed to be worked for. The game you had to have some real bottle. And no one shrank. Without prompt the work rate soared (lovren put in a cross ffs!) and then we took over. Firmino got lucky and then the press the pressure the pace and speed and finally a foul inside the box that most refs should call regardless if it results in Christian mfer Benteke comes on to show us there’s a plan B now. There is light and I maybe optimistic but soon we are going to be what we can be. We have stopped giving up and started getting angry and then we pummeled CP. Second half at least. PS. can we just start calling Coutinho world class? He bloody well is but he’s “inconsistent”. That’s so stupid! How many games has he won by himself with no MESSI_AEOUND! Let it all out son and breathe. Lets embarrass them scum!
Classic, Matthew. Read twice and loved both times.
Is marijuana legal in NY yet? To be able to write this, you certainly must be on more than the booze. :) cheers
Lol. I am not aware of the legal status of cannabis in New York but here it’s legal and yes it’s that good.
PS: is there a msg board worth posting on? I’d write more of this tosh if there was somewhere good to post it.
I’d say you’d get a fair and appreciative hearing on redandwhitekop.com Matthew … though others’ mileage may vary.
Whatever, don’t stop posting here!
exactly, Matthew, don’t stop posting here at TAW. I hardly read any other forum/comments apart from TAW. other fellow Reds may have a better idea.
I guessed wrongly that you were writing from NY. cheers
Sounds like jack kerouac with full stops. Lolol
Magnificent. Just like Lovren today, which is not something many would have imagined when we woke up this morning.
He’s been pretty consistent under Klopp.
By the way, it’s illegal to offer to send those match divxs away right? And the 2 hour long all goals special from 08/09 cuz some it then make me want to cry..
Brilliant. Keep up the good work. Actually was ‘laugh out loud’ not a smirk parading as LOL. Genuine guffaw….
Brilliant piece. This site gets better and better. Great variety
Know all about Selhurst Park. The journey, the chav fans and the experience. Chuffed with the win. Now for the Mancs!
Comedy gold, cant wait for Thursday’s edition
Like it . Nice story board approach . would be nice to see a few pics of programme sellers and folk encountered along the journey for added interest. More of this please !
Fantastic Martin – my new favourite read on the Internet.
Hahaha Hahaha Hahaha always look forward to fitzy’s articles.