I THOUGHT this was going to be my glorious return. Where I get to wax lyrical about footballers with hilarious ditties after a wonderful victory. Instead the Reds were a gang of dickheads. Almost like they did it on purpose. Fuck off, Liverpool.

Loris Karius: 3

Feels generous. If you start at 0 and build up where does he get points? But I work up and down from 5 so Karius is saved. Which is the first time that dickhead and saved has been used in the same sentence.

Nathaniel Clyne: 5

Maybe harsh but my overriding memory is him coming short in attacking positions. Blast into the Anny Road end was one. Chip into the ‘keepers hands in stoppage time the other.

Liverpool's Nathaniel Clyne rues a missed chance during the Premier League match at Anfield, Liverpool.

Joel Matip: 6

Was brilliant until he wasn’t. He’s both unlucky and frustrating for the second. It’s a mad deflection but he still should do better. But the least of our worries.

Dejan Lovren: 4

Poor, then went off. Needs to be careful not to turn a bad couple of games situation into a “sell that lad” situation.

James Milner: 7

He’s an extra attacker, never mind an extra midfielder. Movement terrific. Application unrivalled. Corners could be improved.

Liverpool's James Milner (left) and West Ham United's Andre Ayew battle for the ball during the Premier League match at Anfield, Liverpool.

Georginio Wijnaldum: 6

Nothing wrong but not enough right. A couple of controls and shimmies in the box but couldn’t quite get a shot away.

Jordan Henderson: 7

I have issues with his captaincy. I think leadership was massively lacking first half. But, judging him as a footballer, he did well. Purposeful passing and must have thought he’d scored the winner.

Adam Lallana: 6

Started like a train, and a lovely finish for the opener. Was great having that extra man in the box. But his decision making was strangely off and some of his passing frustrating.

LIVERPOOL, ENGLAND - Sunday, December 11, 2016: Liverpool's Adam Lallana celebrates scoring the first goal against West Ham United during the FA Premier League match at Anfield. (Pic by David Rawcliffe/Propaganda)

Sadio Mane: 6

Involved in the action but still leaves you wanting more.

Roberto Firmino: 4

Shite. Plays well with certain players. Can’t just swerve it when his mates aren’t playing. It’s not the park.

Divock Origi: 6

Rubbish first half. Strong argument he limits the team. Yet he would argue he scores every game. Every game. What do you say to that?

LIVERPOOL, ENGLAND - Sunday, December 11, 2016: Liverpool's Divock Origi scores the second goal against West Ham United after a mistake but goalkeeper Darren Randolph to make the score 2-2 during the FA Premier League match at Anfield. (Pic by David Rawcliffe/Propaganda)


Ragnar Klavan (on 45′): 7

Great, wasn’t he? Cruyff turned a lad and everything. Maybe should have started last week. But one for another day.

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