LIVERPOOL face Sion in black kits. Sion red; red and starred. Liverpool dark and trim.
The darkness sweeping around the place. The pit. The pit. The game starts. The selection. We can’t go on like this. That’s what you think.
How did we?
The ball waves from left to right.
What do we?
The ball waves from right to left.
How can we?
Nobody comes. Nobody goes. It is terrible.
Boots flecked with colour in the darkness. Blues. Florescents. Flicking and flocking. Clipping and clopping.
Why did we?
Stars on shirts.
Why have we?
How can we?
Why? Why have these lads, these specific lads, been sent out to toil when there is no conceivable good to become from their toil?
Spades hitting icy ground. The crunch of soil being moved from here to there, from there to here. The ball bouncing, moving from left to right and from right to left. The movement pointless. Football reduced.
The waves, the waves, were soldiers moving. Well thank you and thank you and thank you and again, we call upon the author to explain.
Dead rubber. Rubber dead. Origi distant. Distant Origi. Disjointed, dishevelled, dysfunctional, disappointing, disheartening, disciplined, dystopian. Football without purpose. Without the desire to impress. Two eyes on Sunday.
Football where no one wants to get hurt. Sticks and goals may break my bones. Eleven internationals for Liverpool. Eleven internationals. Eleven. Because of something, because of something. Brad Smith aside, delivery and all, because of something.
There will be reasons. They will be good and smart. And yet.
There are always reasons. Humanity finds reasons and purpose in its greatest mundanities. This, the admin, Radio X. We are born. We entertain ourselves, we procreate, we find purpose. We die.
The blackest kit. The darkest pit. The lads running without knowing how or why. The toil. Toiling lads, two eyes on Sunday. Because Sunday is important.
The ice cracking beneath the moulded studs. Synchopated strides. Sinews pumping. No two snowflakes are alike. Who cares? What difference does it make.
Two eyes on Sunday but travelled. Two wins and the group is Liverpool’s. Two eyes on Sunday but toiled. Two wins and four draws. Two eyes on Sunday. A Sunday which has been too rarely won after ten undefeated points. But we always find something, eh Kloppo, to give us the impression we exist.
We always find something. Smith, Origi and all. Something to give us the impression we exist.
Prolix. Prolix. Nothing a pair of scissors can’t fix.
Pics: David Rawcliffe-Propaganda Photo/PA Images
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Dead rubber or not, that was atrocious to watch.
Thought Smith was the only bright spot out there.
The rest couldn’t be arsed.
And the king of the couldn’t be arsed brigade is Firmino.
Forgot he was on the pitch till he got hooked.
Felt sorry for the lads who travelled.
Never been to a Euro Away have you mate. They are all having fun. I promise
Been to a few, mate, I promise.
Had a laugh in most, except Rome 84 when I got stabbed.
Got a text of John Mackin there who said it was alright though freezing.
Your condescension/know all fan superiority is a little grating – especially to someone who’s been to more Euro aways than you’ve had hot dinners.
But carry on with your smug assumptions, mate.
i·ras·ci·ble – having or showing a tendency to be easily angered.
oh shut up you brown nosing , sycophantic twat. he has every right to pull Gibbons up for his patronising comment. They may have enjoyed themselves on the trip but i can bet they didn’t enjoy that fucking match. As enjoyable as the drivel in the match review although to be fair what could you write about that.
If you have then you’ll know the game is often of little relevance to how much fun you have. Everyone I spoke to was having a blast yesterday.
Well in on getting a text off John Mackin though.
Enjoyed the Joycean onomatopoiea a lot more than the game.
Still, that´s Europe boxed off til spring.
Three points on Sunday please boys!
*Gets theasaurus out*
Looks up the word pretentious
Agreed. There’s a time and a place for clever prose Neil. This wasn’t it. And unfortunately, it wasn’t as clever as you think it was. Some of your readership may be impressed by your style but those if us with an education would just like to know what you think without you trying to show off.
Gets a dictionary out.
Looks up the word thesaurus
Homer: Hmm. I wonder why he’s so eager to go to the garage?
Moe: The “garage”? Hey fellas, the “garage”! Well, ooh la di da, Mr. French Man.
Homer: Well what do you call it?
Moe: A car hole!
Thank God I was never excited we signed Firmino. He’s vastly overrated. Rodgers is a donkey.
Thank god *you* were never excited? What a thing to say… Because specifically your expectations and the rightness of your gut feeling on a signing is more important than him being like, good for Liverpool.
Soz to be a nit-picky arse to you but the way people are talking and thinking is doing my head in. Just that time of the year I suppose. It’s fine and probably just me; blame the Newcastle game.
Whew! That was a close one! They can’t pull the wool over your eyes!
You’ve just summed up what’s wrong with football supporters nowadays. Would rather be right then see then team you ‘support’ do well.
And on your point give him a bit of time. We’ve seen what he’s like when has a good day so we know how good he can be. It’s expected he’ll have a few bad days at the beginning.
Is this the sci-fi channel ?
I bet you thought this was really profound and innovative. You’re trying to be Nick Hornby, but his passion came across in his writing. You just sound like you raped a thesaurus and jizzed over a mirror while looking at your own reflection.
Spoiler alert: you’re nowhere near what you think you are. You’re a dismal writer blinded by your own misplaced ego. Plus you look like Mark Corrigan’s disabled brother.
‘Disabled’ as an insult is nowhere near what you think it is either. You might say it’s dismal.
You fuckhead: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KJ38jTQcO1k
I wrote it in the pub while watching the second half. Passed the time. One of them. Six of one, half a dozen of the other.
Quite like Hornby but find him dispassionate on the whole. High Fidelity and How To Be Good are excellent novels. 31 Songs pretty poor though. And I never got on with About A Boy.
Anyway, all the best with the rape and disability material. Hope it goes well for you. Reckon as a culture we’ve a shortage of fellas talking about jizz and that.
Don’t worry, Neil. Frankie Boyle did rubbish rape and disability jokes for a living and now he’s mostly just being sound for the Guardian. There’s hope even for the likes of obugu yet.
er no he didn’t,
Maybe I’m misremembering then. Thought he got into hot water for his shock value shctick over jokes on Jordan and Dwight Yorke’s son before winding down on the stand up. Now he’s a fairly spot on political commentator. A weird career arc.
Dunno how you managed to squeeze that much out of last night, but that’s why you do what you do Neil. Fair play. You don’t need to explain.
Was reduced to trying to work out if Steve McManaman’s eyes were always that close together or if his head is a lot wider nowadays. Meh.
“He said; everything is messed up round here / everything is banal…”
Fuckin hell lad!!!! go and get laid for fuck sake.
Wanted: A good editor.
How much are you offering, John?
If you are enquiring about the need for material from readers then just ask. I’d be happy to have ago. It will still need that editor though.
Sorry, thought you were advertising for an editor, John.
The most enjoyable part of tonight was hearing the Liverpool fans sing we’ll be coming down the road for 20 mins. Sounded great and really continental. I wondered if it was a reply to Swiss fans who sang the whole game without pause or because it was so cold it felt good. I’d love to hear that at Anfield. It was hypnotising me by the end. Good clapping rhythm to. It got me thinking, I know we have some long songs at Liverpool but we seem to go for short bursts. Bit like the 3 minute pop song. No wonder we’re out of songs by 3.15. I love the fact Liverpool have long songs with good stories. I feel it distinguishes us from the heathens. Maybe we’ve got it wrong though. Simple like tonight, 3 of them and we’re past the hour mark. It’s just two lines and repeat to fade. Sounded great but not very Premier League, I suppose. It kind of suited the pace of the game. Maybe the Prem needs the 3 minute bursts.
They should have just sent Kolo, Bogdan, Origi, Enrique and fucking me out there. We’d have figured something out. Just got ringers in and get punished for it retrospectively like Rafa for the recent Real cup game. Klopp’s problem is he just loves footy too much sometimes, which isn’t a bad flaw for the perfect manager for us who I love tbf to him.
Surprised you’ve even reviewed that nothingness, Neil. Disappointed you didn’t preview it with just a picture of you looking up the league table on your phone.
It’s gonna be Benteke up on his lonesome on Sunday and if he doesn’t find himself scoring screamers it’s going to be extremely dogged and/or shit depending on whether we win or not. I don’t know whether I can deal with it this close to Christmas tbh.
LOL here comes the backlash from the humorless who can’t be arsed having a think — who want it all spelled out for them, who want it all to make immediate sense. You lot were probably fuming about the 50 goals shipped in 13-14 as well.
Well in, Neil. Probably the most interesting thing that will come of those two hours on this day in history.
Prolix! Prolix! It all sounds like a load of prolix! A load of prolix that we should be trying harder.Trying harder to win this game.Win this game as though our lives depended on it.Depended on it to go into Sunday’s game with confidence.With confidence to try and………….oh I’m giving up now!
You raise some good points Neil!
The best thing about this game is Neil Atkinson being attacked by Obugu and South Liverpool born and London Led ! Hilarious …come on chaps he is only trying to make sense out of a shit game !
thank you so much for explaining that to us. What would we do without you.
From Samuel Beckett: Collected Match Reports
Great stuff as usual Neil, ur match reviews are always a good and interesting read – ur a talented chap. Congrats to you and rest of the gang on winnin the FSF POTY, well deserved and i believe the Irish votes got ye over the line haha. in fairness ye are all excellent at what ye do and i’ve loved TAW since i discovered ye back in 2012. here’s to many more awards in the future! As bad as that game was i could barely contain my excitement at the final whistle as i could book my flights over to the last 32 tie at Anfield on Feb 25th. Will be only my 4th time ‘goin the match’, christ i cant wait.. Sorry for boring ye haha tell Gibbo he’s my hero my second comment in 3 years, my head hurts
Christ this review has shaken a few of the bad apples out of the tree. Enjoyed as always Neil, the game is on too early in the morning here so the match reviews and ratings are the first exposure I get to the game. Might give this one a miss on the recording.
Take it me and BrianB are the only ones focus sing on the Nick Cave reference then? More fun than the match.
Having a dig at the match report? Fair enough. But why not try writing 400 words of your own about that pile of shite? See how many lines in you can get before either giving up or degenerating into a diatribe liberally sprinkled with industrial language.
One thing that stuck out in the game (maybe because it was so drab) was that yellow box on the front of the Sion players kit.
Not sure about anyone else but found it grating on the eye – (who managed to think up such a design) it looks like a stuck on post-it-note!
(Perhaps it’s to help notice your team mates more easily in the snowy weather)
Is all this hatred coming from you guys winning the FSF award (congratulations by the way). Or just because we played dead shit? Either way it’s terrible, criticsm is always good but some of these comments are just terrible. Like the football played tonight.
Jesus lads, have a minute. If you don’t like what he’s wrote, so what? You can’t please everyone, all of the time. If your life is that pathetic that you have to resort to criticising someone else’s work, then I feel bad for you. I’d love to see some of your own writing…
Back to the game, i would of just played the weakest side possibly save for giving Henderson and maybe a few others some minutes. I’m not going to get worked up about it until we’ve played at the weekend. I think we will see how good (or bad) this decision was after we’ve played Pulis & co at the weekend.
I quite enjoy Neil’s sub David Peace whimsy. What’s all the fuss about? It’s a blog, a space in which to experiment and enjoy yourself. He did well to eke out so many words from that game. Hats off!
Some prickly folks on here today.
Neil was obviously inspired by Peace’s Red or Dead. I tried to read it. Tried hard to read it. Very hard. Picked it up and tried to read it. From front to back I tried. hard. Very hard. Got a third of the way through. One third. A third of the way through. But found it the most boring book I’ve ever picked up. Most boring. Repetitive. So repetitive. Repetitive to the point I felt sick. Very sick. Nausea. Extreme nausea. Screaming nausea.
Okay, I get it was a form of Eulogy to Shankly and LFC. But I admit I couldn’t take it. If you want a real eulogy to Liverpool. Not the club but the city . Go and watch Terence Davies’ Of Time and the City – beautiful and haunting.
Haha i only read a third too.
Still by the bog.
In the night.
In the night by the bog.
So. Many. Full. Stops.
This match will be long remembered as the one to forget .
It also looks like we have “found” a young footballer lurking within the club,
a left footed left back playing left back !!!
Well done now lets go and batter a few, home and away
One or two going too far commenting on the writer. I’ve done it in the past but no where near as abusive as that.
Ignore them glasses.
People saying others ‘look disabled’ thinking they’re like, being witty or something? So, so strange.
Discussing ketchup, in the style of Neil Atkinson:
Red. Majestic. Flowing. Always flowing. And then not.
It wants to escape. It must escape. It will escape. It can’t escape. It does escape.
Chips, infused with sauce. Chips and sauce, married together in a dance of cooked potato and vinegary fluid. Flowing. Always flowing.
Sauce flowing on to chips. On to egg. On to Peas. On to vol-au-vents. On to foie gras. On to chips. Flowing. Always flowing.
The ketchup, what does it mean? What does it have to mean? What can ketchup ever mean? It can’t, but it does. And still it flows.
Red. Majestic. Flowing. Always flowing.
A certain person got kicked off this forum for criticising glass….er neil’s writing. NEVER once getting personal!
Don’t be a dickhead, Bob. That isn’t why you’ve been banned on several occasions.
You can’t ban someone without an explanation.
Never once got personal!!
Anyway I’m not me I’m cheeky boiler.
It was mainly you just being a prick, Bob, going over the top, bringing down every thread, using language to provoke a reaction, that kind of thing. You didn’t ask for an explanation. Would have been happy to offer one. What number persona are we on now? Five? Six? The shit award you congratulated us on, yes.
That ketchup piece made my day even more than Neils writing and the subsequent somewhat out of proportion criticism of it.
Says much about how dismal the game was that all the excitement is about the blog piece, but its another step along the path to a glorious conclusion to the season right?
This ain’t really my cup of tea either but you know what I read it, thought ‘that was bit weird’ then went on my merry way. No need to start go in on him for writing something you’re not really into.
Really surprised by Cans inclusion last night. He, along with Lucas have been our best midfielders so I would have thought both would be kept fresh for West Brom.
Dont understand. Yes it was garbage (on crap pitch) but it was what we had to do (no injuries)
We used to be this boring when we were the BEST, wasnt on tellly then though, except for 10 mins highlights!!!!!
PS. Tried to be positive but Firmino £29m? Forget about skill/goals what about getting more involved