Alisson: 8
Makes a good save that looked like a shite save first 15 there, sneaky little deflection. Makes everything look a piece of piss. That chance where Robbo back heeled their lad in with five to go; he doesn’t save it, doesn’t need to, closed him down like a fucking massive big dust storm. Fucking score now, shit head.
James Milner: 7
Took loads of time out of the game when it was needed first half. Kept it well.
Degsi: 7
First 10 minutes. Chasing their lad down the line. Three men in the boozer at the same time say “stand up, Degsi”. Degsi fell over, somehow. Fancies himself as a reverse Nostradamus there based on that first-half performance. Crying it in. Better second half.
Virgil: 9
Their fast lad tried getting after him for a bit, and then fucked him off for the easier prey of Degsi. We had a conversation there at 1-0 about him being better than any of our best ever centre halves put together, but come to the conclusion he needs to score more. Then he bangs like fucking Aldo. Sublime.
Andy Robbo: 6
Unusually gave it away every time he touched it in the first 10 minutes. Struggled first half. The only Scottish fella who doesn’t like the rain. Them fuckers dry their fucking clobber in it. Give their lad a back heel for a laugh in the last minute to keep our goalie on his toes. The Albie Moreno run-out clock has about three days left on it.
Fabinho: 8
Still in the changies in the first minute when he played their sprinter in. Then looks front foot for fun, fancies overlapping and getting The Reds on the march with a belter ball to Mo for the first. Mad the way he is better than Souness, Gerrard, Alonso and Didi Hamann put together, and I was calling him a crab a month ago. Drifted out of it a bit second half but then so fucking what.
Henderson: 7
Played well in tandem with Fabinho. Does well second half breaking it up. Played Mo in a few times down the channel really well.
Naby: 7
Bright at times. Got wellied all over the place at times. Is going to be amazing at some stage, probably for the last month of the season to win us the treble. Had a mad patch on his stomach there when he was going off. Could be a nicotine patch. Ciggies are boss. Vapes are the pits — end of the world. Think of all the bad shit going on in the world. Coincides with ciggies going out of fashion. Get them down your neck, la. World peace.
Mo Salah: 9
Movement for his goal was fucking ridiculously good. Then for a laugh, just flicked it over there defender. Yer, I’ll just flick this over there. Like Subbuteo. Such a threat. Legged them second half, could have scored 15. Our mate had him first goal and 3-0, made up he never scored again. Well in, lad.
Firmino: 8
Was excellent there, first half. Link play, touch, vision, workfare, muzzy. Not in it as much second half.
Sadio: 7
Looked like he was doing that Mickey Finn thing, where he pretends he can’t be arsed but then legs someone, except he didn’t really leg anyone.
SUBS
Lallana:
Forgot about him there, you know. Did alright.
Gini: 9
Cost our mate £300 with that miss last minute. Tremendous.
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“Closed him down like a fucking massive big dust storm”. Ah man. Happy Christmas you magnificent bastards.
Been racking my brain trying to work out who fabinho reminds me of, and you’ve nailed it as ever with Didi
Jono where are you in a hurry to where’s the intro I live for it you know any way off you go don’t get too pissed what do you mean you’re pissed already anyway Mo-rry Christmas to you
I understand every rain drop managed to avoid big V tonight. Bone dry. Literally.
The only Scottish fella who doesn’t like the rain.
Is true, we all thrive off it usually, must have forgot where he’s from briefly.
Give him a can of Irn Bru and he’ll be right for Newcastle.
Magnificent review. Totally hilarious. The red men are on it in a major way. What a team Merry Chtistmas.
Big Virg was a 10 for me. What else could ask for from a CB? Bossed everything all night.
Watched Henderson last night because he was so imminently unwatchable. Probably deserves another point. Positioning and quick passes were fantastic. And plays a long ball that brought back memories of beauties we used to see regularly in 13/14, deserving a goal at the end of it to make the highlights reels for future generations. 300th game for our captain, that.
As for Alisson, go back and watch the bit in Holy Grail where Lancelot is running at two guards. The whole time he seems miles away, and then suddenly he’s stabbing the bastard in the gut. That’s exactly what attackers must feel going up against him.